Gay Camping

Hello all,

A few weeks ago I was invited to go camping with my friend Mr. C. As you know, I am no camper, I was raised in a farming family of sorts, but as an adult I hate the sun, heat, bugs, being dirty/smelly, eating crappy food, pretending to like neighbors, being out doors in general, and all things encompassing the concept of “roughing it”. He said that I could only come for the after noon and evening, they had a pool, he would feed me well, pay for my gas, and did I mention that it was gay camping? I was there in 2 shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Gay camping? Gay camping. I wasn’t entirely sure what this all entailed but as far as I could imagine it would involve fun pool games (me wearing spf 100+, but I’ve been working out so I want to reap the fruits of my loom), doing impressions of Patti LuPone in Gypsy, and romantic mishaps with smoores. That is totally up my alley.

How wrong I was.

First of all, you think you might know where B.F.E. is, but I assure you that you have no idea until you find out where a Midwestern state hides a gay campground. I was an hour late and had to stop by some shack in a tight T-shirt and swim trunks to ask some hill jack where the gay campground was. He was very polite though, my beef is not with him.

I finally found the place, the name of the campground was nowhere in sight but there was a sign “Four Seasons” which was not the name of the camp. I asked Mr. C and the check in man, Bill, if this campground was also called the Four Seasons. They both said no stating that the sign is just there and a reference point. I said, “Don’t you think that it might be a good idea to properly advertise your campgrounds and put appropriate signage on the roads?” They both said no and I fell a little deeper down the rabbit hole.

When you check in you get a set of rules:

1. There are designated areas for public nudity and please be respectful of those participating.

2. There are designated areas for adventurous sexual conduct and please be respectful of those participating.

3. No women allowed.

4. The front gates lock at 10.

5. Leave your attitude and drama at the door.

Ok. I understand. I’m a gay male, an ADULT gay male; exploring certain venues of adult sexual behavior is perfectly natural. I’ve seen the movies, I know how this works. Play it cool and it’ll be an interesting and informative afternoon…..and I might even get some.

I did not.

After I dropped off my things at the campsite, I was given the grand tour. On the driveway into the pool there was an old jacuzzi that had been turned into a planter with a fern that was struggling for life in it; that was where any charm that could possibly exist at this place ended. Next came the pool, that I’m sure in the brochure looks enormous, in real life was a small size originally and from what I gather the campgrounds was low on money, so where the pool should start off the deck there was 4 ft of cement and then finally the pool started. More than 10 strangers or so in there would be VERY uncomfortable.

We walked around and said hello to all of out fellow campers. Mr. C told me that everyone is always so nice and inviting here and especially at this time of the year which was Christmas in July. So as we popped into the tableaus of our neighboring gay men and I realized that there was a trend evolving here. Big, hairy, old. Each person, other than me, had one if not all of these attributes. The naked people by the pool, the men by the campfire, everyone. Big, hairy, old. God damn it!

Also, the more people we talked to I realized that everyone was not as inviting as what Mr. C had said, the truth of the matter was; he would pop into everyone’s day and ask them inane questions and force his answers on them. I could identify with their conflict. I had been duped into a horrid gay frolic with this clown and now I was in for the whole day.

After the initial shock of the inhabitants wore off we continued on our tour. We went to a place called the “Chicken Coop” which, believe it or not, used to be an actual chicken coop and is now home to a mid size TV playing a 70’s porno on loop and a leather sling affixed to the ceiling. There are also chairs circling these 2 main events encouraging a group effort when needed.

Up next was “Squalor Hallow”, which they pronounced “Haller”. It is a nook covered completely in trees so that any shady acts are apropos. In the back corner of the hallow is a 7ft tall picket fence circling a picnic table that is missing one side of its bench. This is called “Fort Dicks”, friends and strangers alike go there for orgies, threesomes, and new encounters. The muddy ground was patted down by feet and lube and I threw up a little in my mouth.

The tour was concluded with a walk around the pond-there is a short path and a long path, both of which included various coves and nooks to stop off and have sex with a soul mate you met 3 min prior. On the way back to our campsite we walked past the luxury campers and RVs inhabited by older gay couples that were smart enough to come in style but still dumb enough to come. Seriously, we live in Indiana, it gets cold. Why would you spend so much money on a camping accessory that you could only use part of the year? I’m sure there’s a reason, but I was too pissed to be interested.

After a quick bite I decided to make the most out of the situation and head to the pool with Mr. C and his friends-all bears. They hopped in first and as I disrobed (WITH my trunks on!!) and stepped into the pool they all looked at me drop jawed. That was really all I needed. Yes it was going to be a crappy day but damn it I was going to be the hottest one there. After about 15 sec of amazement they dug in.

Bear 1: “Wow, you’re so pale!”

Me: “I like to say ‘fare’.”

Bear 2: “Uh God, you need to eat something!”

Me: “Um, I just ate thank you, and if I eat too much I think I would get fat. Isn’t that how it works?”

Bear 3: “Oh, how cute…..your nipples are so….pink. HA HA HA HA!”

Me: “Well, at least you can see mine. I didn’t know that a pool was an appropriate place to wear a sweater…….oh.”

Those bitches were just jealous of what I got!

After a while I stepped into the bathroom to get away for a minute and use the facilities-no, I’m not going in the woods! As I was washing my hands a black man came in and stood in front of a urinal but wasn’t peeing. He kept on starring at me and eventually said hello. I conversed until eventually he said.

“Man, you are so hot.”

“Oh, thank you.” I said as I dried off my hands.

“Man, you have a great ass.”

“Oh, thank you.” From being a dancer I get this a lot.

“Can I touch it.” In a club I’ve been given a nice pat and it’s no big deal, I worked hard for that ass and if someone wants to give it a little pinch every now and then I commonly don’t mind, so I said, “Um, ok”

He came over with his pants still unzipped from the urinal and began to grope my thighs and butt. I was a little in shock and up against a sink, I could not move. He got increasingly more aggressive and started to put his hands down my pants, constantly saying, “Mmmm, oh yeah, this is good.”

I know this MAY actually be categorized as molestation, but I tried to be adult about it and find courteous window out of this situation….just so you know, there isn’t one. After a min or so, Mr. C walked into the restroom and the black guy closed up shop and left in quite a rush. I thanked Mr. C for coming in because I couldn’t get this guy off of me. He said that he thought that I was enjoying it and just came in to watch. (WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I went back to the campsite to get changed out of my wet trunks and by the time I had come back to the pool Mr. C had told the other Bears what had happened (that I was hooking up with a black stallion in the bathroom!!!) and they all looked at me like I was a slut. I did not and I am not and that was not the story. They were surprised that I wanted to leave in such a hurry and were a little offended by my impression of the place. They looked at gay camping as a fun romp with like minded individuals for a long weekend in the great outdoors. I looked at it as a white trash sex club in a field for fat, hairy, low class men where I was looked down upon for being ADORABLE and then molested in the bathroom!!!

I will not be going back.