Hello all,
The week after my proposed threesome from a couple on craigslist, I was still on a high. I got a haircut, it was spring, and I was starring at every stranger like he could potentially be my next husband. AWKWARD. I need someone in my head to tell me, “Noah, stop starring at that person, he’s not even gay, he’s married, you didn’t even do your hair today, you look like a stalker”. That would be helpful.
Anywho, an older gay gentleman came through my lane that day with a handful of DVDs including “Weeds Season 3”. We chatted about that and the previous seasons as well as the great DVD sales in the store and he went on his merry way leaving me only with a wiggly smile. He came back a few days later and came back through my lane. He said that he already had that season, bought only some almonds and some socks, both things near my check out lane, and again went on his merry way.
2 minutes later I was hanging out near the end of my lane, pretending to do something, and the older gentlemen (O.G.) came back.
O.G.: “Uh, hi, again.”
Me: “Oh, hi.
O.G.: “Um, did you know that there is a craigslist ad about you?”
Me: “Yeah, I saw it the other day. I was very flattered.”
O.G.: “Yeah, I saw it too and knew it was you. Do you have a boyfriend?”
Me: “No, no I don’t. Things are kind of complicated for me right now, so I’m just enjoying being by myself. Well, have a good day.”
He smiled at me, raised his eyebrow, winked and walked away. I don’t care if I was getting hit on by shady couples and old guys, I felt HOT! On Easter Sunday, as many gays did for entertainment, I got on craigslist and found a little Easter egg of my own.
Fishers Target: Weeds Fans Unite! - m4m
you said Your life is busy right nOw but woUld you have the time (or desiRe) to catch a sEason of weeds? would love to have you over to view it together, nothing Complicated jUst nsa weeds....if not weeds how abouT the united statEs of tara? if you email back tell me what i came back into the store to tell you....just so i know its you....
I was shocked.....I'm FAMOUS! For freak's sake, you can't even get people to stop recognizing me. I'm like fuckin' Lindsay Lohan. After the stars faded from my eyes I noticed that there was some irregular capitalization in his message:
YOU RE CUTE.
I love a good game, but was the game cute or the guy? Upon further investigation I realized it was the game. We emailed back and forth,and he left me many interesting and supportive messages in all caps, I just wanted to see where it would go. Because if he was rich and cute, this could definitely be my future husband, age aside. But seeing as how he was an older gentleman who trolled craigslist, leaving spooky cryptic messages in capital letters, the dream wore thin pretty quickly.
On a completely different note, I think I just ingested a large quantity of dish soap, like a table spoon or so. I opened my mouth and REAL bubbles came out. My entire dinner tasted like soap, but it was so good I kept eating it. There may be a direct line between compromising my dignity, responding to these craigslist ads, and continuing to eat a Dawn-drenched bowl of homemade lo mien, but I don't think I'm aware enough to put it together. I'll leave that mystery in the hands of my therapist I will have caudal me after I make it big.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I’ve Been Craigslisted Vol. I
Hello all,
I write this to you as I watch the A-List awards on Bravo. God, I love Kathy Griffin.
So, 2 weeks ago I was at work and saw a handsome couple walk past my lane. They were in their mid to late 30’s and more than moderately attractive. Since it has been a LONG while since I have been out in the dating atmosphere and most of my flirting consists of me batting my doe eyes at Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, Adam Lambert, Hugh Jackman, JC Chasez, Cheyenne Jackson, Matt Lauer, Seth McFarlane, Eric Dane, Lance Bass, Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Dean Cain, Justin Timberlake, Seth Meyers, Ricky Martin, Rupert Everett, that guy who wrote Milk and many many others through the television, I wasn’t expecting a response from my lingering, awkwardly penetrating stare.
But sure enough one them, I’m guessing the top, stared at me back! Even after he and his beau passed me he kept his smile lingering, his eyebrow devilishly raised, and stare piercing. Needless to say, that put a little hop in my step for the remainder of the day; until I came home, hopped on craigslist (NO JUDGEMENT I love the “missed connections”!) and saw this:
Red headed frat boy cashier with good eye contact - m4m - 38
You are a hot looking college age cashier with red hair. We are a bearish MM couple, 38 years old, You and I locked eyes for a solid 10 seconds as we were walking out of the store. Wanted so much to go back and buy something and go through your line, but we were late getting somewhere. We're done with our errands. Drop me a note if you want to have a SANDWICH. You are hot. ;)
Oooh, a sandwich! I hope it’s grilled cheese!! I love grilled cheese, AND tomato soup, unstopable that combination is. I mean serious yum…. Think about it, yum. But seriously, I was very flattered; I have never been called frat-looking in my entire life. I’ve learned the hard way, no pun intended, that no matter what people say, there is no perfect three-way. Even though gay men can hook like Legos, someone always ends up as the odd man out - believe me.
I wrote him back a very polite email saying that I thought he and his boyfriend/partner were both very cute, but I had a lot going on right now. Maybe we could reschedule? I did not get a response.
I write this to you as I watch the A-List awards on Bravo. God, I love Kathy Griffin.
So, 2 weeks ago I was at work and saw a handsome couple walk past my lane. They were in their mid to late 30’s and more than moderately attractive. Since it has been a LONG while since I have been out in the dating atmosphere and most of my flirting consists of me batting my doe eyes at Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, Adam Lambert, Hugh Jackman, JC Chasez, Cheyenne Jackson, Matt Lauer, Seth McFarlane, Eric Dane, Lance Bass, Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Dean Cain, Justin Timberlake, Seth Meyers, Ricky Martin, Rupert Everett, that guy who wrote Milk and many many others through the television, I wasn’t expecting a response from my lingering, awkwardly penetrating stare.
But sure enough one them, I’m guessing the top, stared at me back! Even after he and his beau passed me he kept his smile lingering, his eyebrow devilishly raised, and stare piercing. Needless to say, that put a little hop in my step for the remainder of the day; until I came home, hopped on craigslist (NO JUDGEMENT I love the “missed connections”!) and saw this:
Red headed frat boy cashier with good eye contact - m4m - 38
You are a hot looking college age cashier with red hair. We are a bearish MM couple, 38 years old, You and I locked eyes for a solid 10 seconds as we were walking out of the store. Wanted so much to go back and buy something and go through your line, but we were late getting somewhere. We're done with our errands. Drop me a note if you want to have a SANDWICH. You are hot. ;)
Oooh, a sandwich! I hope it’s grilled cheese!! I love grilled cheese, AND tomato soup, unstopable that combination is. I mean serious yum…. Think about it, yum. But seriously, I was very flattered; I have never been called frat-looking in my entire life. I’ve learned the hard way, no pun intended, that no matter what people say, there is no perfect three-way. Even though gay men can hook like Legos, someone always ends up as the odd man out - believe me.
I wrote him back a very polite email saying that I thought he and his boyfriend/partner were both very cute, but I had a lot going on right now. Maybe we could reschedule? I did not get a response.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A Nut Too Many
Hello all,
As many of you know I am spending a lot of time at home for various reasons, and except for a few things, it’s not bad at all. My parents and I are acclimating swimmingly with eachother and actually one of my favorite things (in small doses) is watching TV with them. Hearing Mom say, “What’s going on? Who is that? What did he say? What’s that mean?” would commonly annoy me but hearing Dad respond to her makes it all worth while.
Many of my friends in high school thought that my dad was a mute because Mom talked all the time and he stood there with his stone face and waited to chauffer us home. But now, hearing him say, “She has no business in shorts.” or break down the entire elimination of Dancing with the Stars or American Idol; I can tell we’re related.
The other day Mom came home and brought us all Peanut M&Ms from school as a treat. As Mom bit into a red M&M, she noticed something:
Mom: “This is missing a peanut! Look, there’s no peanut in here!”
Me: “Huh. Well, why don’t you put a stamp on it and send it to the Mars company. I’m sure they’d love to know that they missed one and they’d send you a nut in the mail.”
Without skipping a beat, Dad chimed in:
Dad: “Why don’t you come over here? I can give you a nut if that’s what you want.”
Honest to God, I almost choked laughing. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, but it was hilarious.
As many of you know I am spending a lot of time at home for various reasons, and except for a few things, it’s not bad at all. My parents and I are acclimating swimmingly with eachother and actually one of my favorite things (in small doses) is watching TV with them. Hearing Mom say, “What’s going on? Who is that? What did he say? What’s that mean?” would commonly annoy me but hearing Dad respond to her makes it all worth while.
Many of my friends in high school thought that my dad was a mute because Mom talked all the time and he stood there with his stone face and waited to chauffer us home. But now, hearing him say, “She has no business in shorts.” or break down the entire elimination of Dancing with the Stars or American Idol; I can tell we’re related.
The other day Mom came home and brought us all Peanut M&Ms from school as a treat. As Mom bit into a red M&M, she noticed something:
Mom: “This is missing a peanut! Look, there’s no peanut in here!”
Me: “Huh. Well, why don’t you put a stamp on it and send it to the Mars company. I’m sure they’d love to know that they missed one and they’d send you a nut in the mail.”
Without skipping a beat, Dad chimed in:
Dad: “Why don’t you come over here? I can give you a nut if that’s what you want.”
Honest to God, I almost choked laughing. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, but it was hilarious.
Mr. C-ya
Hello all,
It has been a while since I have written, I know. Don’t hate me. I have been choreographing for my high school’s show choir, and I thought if I had enough time to be writing on the blog; I should be choreographing.
In one of my old blogs (A B C Spells I Am Hot) I talked about Mr. C, a guy from Chicago. Since then we talked more and more and more to the point where if we are not talking on the phone we are in the middle of a texting conversation, which I find tedious and annoying. He has been very kind to me, giving me attention, and always saying that he was planning on coming to see me because I am the cutest guy.
He has had a few dates while we’ve been talking and I’ve not worried about us being something or nothing. I really can’t handle a relationship right now especially with someone who’s not going to sweep into my life and make the relationship happen; in short, I don’t want to work for a relationship right now. Yeah, I said it. I DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
Anyways, we were chatting yesterday and he said that he was wished he had a boyfriend, insinuating that that should be me. I said “Well, it’s not like you’re being held captive in your house. Go out and find one.” If he wants to make “us” happen, make it happen. Right? Right. Well, later on he mentioned that he was having a guy spend the weekend, who lives hours away, who he liked, but didn’t know if he should date because they’ve never pursued a relationship and he’s HIV+. (!!!!!)
Jigga whaaa?!?!? Read that last paragraph again and find how many crazy/questionable things pop out at you. I count about 127. I got a little pissy for 2 reasons:
1. Isn’t he interested in me? Calling me all day, every day? Sending me explicit pictures? Always talking about coming to see me? Now a guy who lives hours away and is HIV+ is a better catch than flexible me?
2. He texted me this during American Idol and then told me he didn’t like Adam Lambert. Blasphemy!
Later on in the evening his power went out and he texted me that he wished he had someone to cuddle with (Yuck, I know). I told him that he better call his “weekend friend” because as best I could recall cuddling is a non-fluid-transferable safe activity that he could enjoy with his new friend. Somewhere in his brain this comment was flagged as sarcastic and aggressive. He asked me what I wanted him to do or say. I said I’m not telling you how to act and if you wanted to us to be anything than we would and we’re not so you don’t.
He didn’t think that I wanted him to try to make a relationship happen (Are you tired of this yet?) and he wanted to respect my boundaries and chaotic life. There was more to it than that, but was way too pedantic to commit to memory. Abruptly, he said he was sorry for the confusion, he was going to bed, and goodnight.
There is nothing more infuriating than being nicely dumped by someone you weren’t even dating to begin with. Ug. I wasn’t even that interested in him, it was just nice to have someone to talk to- I love attention. I mean seriously, he wasn’t too cute, bought suits from Men’s Warehouse, and is in talks to buy a butcher shop from his grandpa. Yes that makes my stomach flip, but in the wrong way.
It has been a while since I have written, I know. Don’t hate me. I have been choreographing for my high school’s show choir, and I thought if I had enough time to be writing on the blog; I should be choreographing.
In one of my old blogs (A B C Spells I Am Hot) I talked about Mr. C, a guy from Chicago. Since then we talked more and more and more to the point where if we are not talking on the phone we are in the middle of a texting conversation, which I find tedious and annoying. He has been very kind to me, giving me attention, and always saying that he was planning on coming to see me because I am the cutest guy.
He has had a few dates while we’ve been talking and I’ve not worried about us being something or nothing. I really can’t handle a relationship right now especially with someone who’s not going to sweep into my life and make the relationship happen; in short, I don’t want to work for a relationship right now. Yeah, I said it. I DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
Anyways, we were chatting yesterday and he said that he was wished he had a boyfriend, insinuating that that should be me. I said “Well, it’s not like you’re being held captive in your house. Go out and find one.” If he wants to make “us” happen, make it happen. Right? Right. Well, later on he mentioned that he was having a guy spend the weekend, who lives hours away, who he liked, but didn’t know if he should date because they’ve never pursued a relationship and he’s HIV+. (!!!!!)
Jigga whaaa?!?!? Read that last paragraph again and find how many crazy/questionable things pop out at you. I count about 127. I got a little pissy for 2 reasons:
1. Isn’t he interested in me? Calling me all day, every day? Sending me explicit pictures? Always talking about coming to see me? Now a guy who lives hours away and is HIV+ is a better catch than flexible me?
2. He texted me this during American Idol and then told me he didn’t like Adam Lambert. Blasphemy!
Later on in the evening his power went out and he texted me that he wished he had someone to cuddle with (Yuck, I know). I told him that he better call his “weekend friend” because as best I could recall cuddling is a non-fluid-transferable safe activity that he could enjoy with his new friend. Somewhere in his brain this comment was flagged as sarcastic and aggressive. He asked me what I wanted him to do or say. I said I’m not telling you how to act and if you wanted to us to be anything than we would and we’re not so you don’t.
He didn’t think that I wanted him to try to make a relationship happen (Are you tired of this yet?) and he wanted to respect my boundaries and chaotic life. There was more to it than that, but was way too pedantic to commit to memory. Abruptly, he said he was sorry for the confusion, he was going to bed, and goodnight.
There is nothing more infuriating than being nicely dumped by someone you weren’t even dating to begin with. Ug. I wasn’t even that interested in him, it was just nice to have someone to talk to- I love attention. I mean seriously, he wasn’t too cute, bought suits from Men’s Warehouse, and is in talks to buy a butcher shop from his grandpa. Yes that makes my stomach flip, but in the wrong way.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Twiterpated
Hello all,
Sweet Jesus, it was a rough day at work! Other than a few highlights, the most exciting thing was wondering if I would stab my own thigh so that I could leave early. The day usually goes by without much hassle but every single person sucked the life right out of me.
Sometimes to make time pass I make awkward conversations with kids just to hear what they’ll say. It’s like a really cheap version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, which usually makes me think if dardest is a word……anyways.
Me: Hello.
Kid: Hello.
Me: How are you?
Kid: How are you?
Me: Good.
Kid: Good.
Me: Can you just repeat me?
Kid: Can you just repeat me?
Me: You’re like a parrot.
Kid: Ha ha! You’re a pirate!
Me: You’re ridiculous!
Kid: You’re dick-licious!!!
Omigod! How did that kid know my fallback porn name? It was probably just a coincidence…………. or was it?
During my breaks I usually play solitaire on my iPod while I listen to Broadway music, but today I decided to watch downhill skiing on TV and I overheard a conversation between two high school boys.
Boy A: Hi, how are you?
Boy B: Fine.
Boy A: Yeah, me too. Do you play sports?
Boy B: …….yeah.
Boy A: Yeah, I could tell. You have a really muscular body. Are you really popular?
Boy B: Um, I dunno.
Boy A: I bet you are. If you play spots and have all of those muscles, I bet you’re popular. You’re really good looking.
Honest to God!! It was like watching the exposition of an underage gay porno. I clearly went to the wrong high school. All the time I spent imagining something like this would happen to me 10 years ago and there it is in the break room at work. This kid had balls too, I mean he was retarded, like actually retarded, developmentally slow, his mom helps him with the carts, but the chutzpa this kid had, it was impressive. I don’t know whether he was gay or just idolized the other boy’s attributes and didn’t know how to be more nonchalant about it. If I could live my life again, I would definitely pretend to be slow and start conversations with the hottest boys in my high school to see if anything stuck or not.
Speaking of hot boys in high school. Today I saw my 2 biggest high school crushes. In the same day! I know!! I was a blabbering idiot again. I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together and they were as hot as they ever were……… well, one was balder and the other slightly thicker, but they still had the same effect on me. One was in my show choir and the other went to Florida with family when I was in high school.
I sat right next to the one in my show choir; he had/has hair like Uncle Jesse from Full House, ranked 4th in his class and is oh so dreamy. Once when I auditioned for a solo I stood up, sang, and was applauded for my strong vibrato by the director. Truth be told, before I got up to sing, the guy next to me patted my knee and wished me well right before I stood up. I was so flustered that my whole body was shaking resulting in a vibrato. Best day ever.
With the other guy in Florida, it was a fantasy come to life. Now, normally I hate the sun. I burn in January, I wear SPF 80+, and I am self conscience about having my shirt off, but all I know is that while I was around him at the pool I had no idea how hot it was, what I was wearing, or who noticed me drop-jawed staring at him. He had a chest twice the size of his waist, arms the size of my thighs, abs that were extraordinarily developed from protein shakes and early morning workouts and was dripping wet, I was in heaven until the next day when I was severely burnt from sitting out in the sun for hours watching him get in and out of the pool and sit next to me to work on his tan. After we came back from spring break and I saw him in the hall I would stare at him walking past me and see him in nothing but those blue swim trunks. I don’t think he ever noticed me at school until I kept on running into the wall as I walked past him.
I was going to plan being a more successful adult but now I have a new plan:
1. Acquire time machine.
2. Act retarded to seduce high school crushes.
3. Get someone who can invest money wisely so I’ll be rich in the future like they did in “Back to the Future Part II”
4. Sit back with whichever one of my high school doesn’t get too fat or bald and watch the money roll in.
Flawless.
Sweet Jesus, it was a rough day at work! Other than a few highlights, the most exciting thing was wondering if I would stab my own thigh so that I could leave early. The day usually goes by without much hassle but every single person sucked the life right out of me.
Sometimes to make time pass I make awkward conversations with kids just to hear what they’ll say. It’s like a really cheap version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, which usually makes me think if dardest is a word……anyways.
Me: Hello.
Kid: Hello.
Me: How are you?
Kid: How are you?
Me: Good.
Kid: Good.
Me: Can you just repeat me?
Kid: Can you just repeat me?
Me: You’re like a parrot.
Kid: Ha ha! You’re a pirate!
Me: You’re ridiculous!
Kid: You’re dick-licious!!!
Omigod! How did that kid know my fallback porn name? It was probably just a coincidence…………. or was it?
During my breaks I usually play solitaire on my iPod while I listen to Broadway music, but today I decided to watch downhill skiing on TV and I overheard a conversation between two high school boys.
Boy A: Hi, how are you?
Boy B: Fine.
Boy A: Yeah, me too. Do you play sports?
Boy B: …….yeah.
Boy A: Yeah, I could tell. You have a really muscular body. Are you really popular?
Boy B: Um, I dunno.
Boy A: I bet you are. If you play spots and have all of those muscles, I bet you’re popular. You’re really good looking.
Honest to God!! It was like watching the exposition of an underage gay porno. I clearly went to the wrong high school. All the time I spent imagining something like this would happen to me 10 years ago and there it is in the break room at work. This kid had balls too, I mean he was retarded, like actually retarded, developmentally slow, his mom helps him with the carts, but the chutzpa this kid had, it was impressive. I don’t know whether he was gay or just idolized the other boy’s attributes and didn’t know how to be more nonchalant about it. If I could live my life again, I would definitely pretend to be slow and start conversations with the hottest boys in my high school to see if anything stuck or not.
Speaking of hot boys in high school. Today I saw my 2 biggest high school crushes. In the same day! I know!! I was a blabbering idiot again. I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together and they were as hot as they ever were……… well, one was balder and the other slightly thicker, but they still had the same effect on me. One was in my show choir and the other went to Florida with family when I was in high school.
I sat right next to the one in my show choir; he had/has hair like Uncle Jesse from Full House, ranked 4th in his class and is oh so dreamy. Once when I auditioned for a solo I stood up, sang, and was applauded for my strong vibrato by the director. Truth be told, before I got up to sing, the guy next to me patted my knee and wished me well right before I stood up. I was so flustered that my whole body was shaking resulting in a vibrato. Best day ever.
With the other guy in Florida, it was a fantasy come to life. Now, normally I hate the sun. I burn in January, I wear SPF 80+, and I am self conscience about having my shirt off, but all I know is that while I was around him at the pool I had no idea how hot it was, what I was wearing, or who noticed me drop-jawed staring at him. He had a chest twice the size of his waist, arms the size of my thighs, abs that were extraordinarily developed from protein shakes and early morning workouts and was dripping wet, I was in heaven until the next day when I was severely burnt from sitting out in the sun for hours watching him get in and out of the pool and sit next to me to work on his tan. After we came back from spring break and I saw him in the hall I would stare at him walking past me and see him in nothing but those blue swim trunks. I don’t think he ever noticed me at school until I kept on running into the wall as I walked past him.
I was going to plan being a more successful adult but now I have a new plan:
1. Acquire time machine.
2. Act retarded to seduce high school crushes.
3. Get someone who can invest money wisely so I’ll be rich in the future like they did in “Back to the Future Part II”
4. Sit back with whichever one of my high school doesn’t get too fat or bald and watch the money roll in.
Flawless.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Ding Dong the Relationship Is Dead
Hello all,
Finally last night Fuckhead ended his side of the relationship. After months of back and forth, me phone stalking him, and him not sending me my things, he finally answered me. I have been trying to get him to answer a simple yes or no question and he answered no at last.
If he answered yes I would be working on a relationship with him right now and since he said no I at least don't feel a need to contact him. That was a gift in itself. As you know, I have too much on my plate and could not handle the unanswered question, because the chance of getting back together was something to hope for and that hope was driving me crazy while unrequited.
I got to end things just as I wanted. I told him that I hope he continues with his success (that he sucked right from my very loins), that he find someone that fits his life better (he said that he compared everyone to me and no one was as special, ahem, ahem bull crap and no duh), and that he should NEVER come find me cause I would turn my life up side down because I love him and because I love him so much I would drop everything for him, I always will, and I can't live my life knowing that he would ever want me again.
Drama, right? I was crying the whole phone call, with him saying that he loved me, no one was like me and that he was going to come see me. But, when he finally said no, I finally pulled my life out of my ass and walked away with a small scrap of dignity while he wept on the other end of the phone.
I thought he was going to say yes until he kept on not saying anything. Because as many of my friends have pointed out, if the answer was yes it would be "Yes, yes, yes!" and not "............". I'm really exhausted from everything and I don't know where I'm going next, but at least I know it will be just me..........and Graham.
Finally last night Fuckhead ended his side of the relationship. After months of back and forth, me phone stalking him, and him not sending me my things, he finally answered me. I have been trying to get him to answer a simple yes or no question and he answered no at last.
If he answered yes I would be working on a relationship with him right now and since he said no I at least don't feel a need to contact him. That was a gift in itself. As you know, I have too much on my plate and could not handle the unanswered question, because the chance of getting back together was something to hope for and that hope was driving me crazy while unrequited.
I got to end things just as I wanted. I told him that I hope he continues with his success (that he sucked right from my very loins), that he find someone that fits his life better (he said that he compared everyone to me and no one was as special, ahem, ahem bull crap and no duh), and that he should NEVER come find me cause I would turn my life up side down because I love him and because I love him so much I would drop everything for him, I always will, and I can't live my life knowing that he would ever want me again.
Drama, right? I was crying the whole phone call, with him saying that he loved me, no one was like me and that he was going to come see me. But, when he finally said no, I finally pulled my life out of my ass and walked away with a small scrap of dignity while he wept on the other end of the phone.
I thought he was going to say yes until he kept on not saying anything. Because as many of my friends have pointed out, if the answer was yes it would be "Yes, yes, yes!" and not "............". I'm really exhausted from everything and I don't know where I'm going next, but at least I know it will be just me..........and Graham.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Doubting Noah
Hello all,
Sorry for the long lapse in entries. I died and woke up 26. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I have had way too much happen to me in the last month and a half. Look up "deluge of shit" and you'll see my picture next to it. Anyway, all this has made me think of on old saying:
"God only gives you as much as you can handle."
If that is true I have 2 things to say to God:
1. Bitch, you don't know me!
2. That's bull shit.
I had a theological chat with a young man named Hughes last week. I won't say where we chatted, but If I ever write a book I'll put it in there. Hughes is nineteen, has 2 children- one 7 months and one 1 1/2 months by two different women, stopped going to school in 6th grade and is constantly finding himself in illegal situations.
Me: Um, where do you go to school?
Him: Na, na, na, man, I don't go to no school. Dat shit not fo me, her?
Me: .......yeah.
Him: Na, na, na, I don't need no schoo. I already got me a job.
Me: Oh, really? Where do you work?
Him: Uh, I work in a fa'try. Doin' inventory 'n' shit.
Me: Well, that must be nice. Do you get to see your children very often?
Him: Na, na, na dey mom's is real mad at me and shit. Dey found out about eachova and dey go off da deep end fo sho.
Me: I see.
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanna see 'em 'n' shit, but I keep gettin' arrested and shit. Ya see?
Me: Mm-hmm.
Him: God gave me dem babies so I could be a fava to dem.
Me: So, God gave you those children by two different women so that you could be a father to them and that makes you a better person?
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, ya see?
Me: I do. And he must really want you to see this by giving you 2 children in one year, especially at the tender age of nineteen.
Him: Yeah, you know?
Me: I do. And what do you think God's trying to tell you by arresting you every other week?
Him: Na, na, na, ya see, id ain't God dat make me do this.
Me: That's right! You need to take responsibility for your own actions!
Him: Na, na, na id ain't God dat make me do bad stuff..... uh-uh, it's Satan.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Satan makes me do all this shit, but it's ok I know God will fo'give me.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, when I die, he gon fo'give me and he gon fo'give you too.
Me: Oh that's really alright.
Him: Wha?
Me: I don't really believe in God.
Him: Why?
Me: Well there's this little thing called science. If we believed in the bible and Jesus and whatnot, the earth would only be, like, thousands of years old. There are fossils and certain evolutionary processes that have needed millions of years to occur or else you probably wouldn't be here. Where is your god in all of that? Who says that your god is the right one? There are tons of religions all across the world, who told you you picked the right one? If you chose it at random, given your track record, I'm going to guess you probably picked the wrong one. I admire your faith, really I do. I think it's great that you have faith. If I were in your position and didn't have faith, I would kill myself. But I like to have faith in myself, and you should too. That, at least, you have some control over. I've been baptized and confirmed so I have all of the paper work done, so if I die and go to your heaven, while I'm on one side of the pearly gates and you're on the other, when I get to the head of the line and have my chat with Paul or Peter or whoever is manning the gates that day, I'll give you a wave, show them my papers and say, "Oh, don't worry. Hughs,over there, said God would forgive me."
Him: Well...... if it's cuz yo' gay 'n' shit, he fo'give you too.
Me: Awesome. I'm set then.
Sorry for the long lapse in entries. I died and woke up 26. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I have had way too much happen to me in the last month and a half. Look up "deluge of shit" and you'll see my picture next to it. Anyway, all this has made me think of on old saying:
"God only gives you as much as you can handle."
If that is true I have 2 things to say to God:
1. Bitch, you don't know me!
2. That's bull shit.
I had a theological chat with a young man named Hughes last week. I won't say where we chatted, but If I ever write a book I'll put it in there. Hughes is nineteen, has 2 children- one 7 months and one 1 1/2 months by two different women, stopped going to school in 6th grade and is constantly finding himself in illegal situations.
Me: Um, where do you go to school?
Him: Na, na, na, man, I don't go to no school. Dat shit not fo me, her?
Me: .......yeah.
Him: Na, na, na, I don't need no schoo. I already got me a job.
Me: Oh, really? Where do you work?
Him: Uh, I work in a fa'try. Doin' inventory 'n' shit.
Me: Well, that must be nice. Do you get to see your children very often?
Him: Na, na, na dey mom's is real mad at me and shit. Dey found out about eachova and dey go off da deep end fo sho.
Me: I see.
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanna see 'em 'n' shit, but I keep gettin' arrested and shit. Ya see?
Me: Mm-hmm.
Him: God gave me dem babies so I could be a fava to dem.
Me: So, God gave you those children by two different women so that you could be a father to them and that makes you a better person?
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, ya see?
Me: I do. And he must really want you to see this by giving you 2 children in one year, especially at the tender age of nineteen.
Him: Yeah, you know?
Me: I do. And what do you think God's trying to tell you by arresting you every other week?
Him: Na, na, na, ya see, id ain't God dat make me do this.
Me: That's right! You need to take responsibility for your own actions!
Him: Na, na, na id ain't God dat make me do bad stuff..... uh-uh, it's Satan.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Satan makes me do all this shit, but it's ok I know God will fo'give me.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, when I die, he gon fo'give me and he gon fo'give you too.
Me: Oh that's really alright.
Him: Wha?
Me: I don't really believe in God.
Him: Why?
Me: Well there's this little thing called science. If we believed in the bible and Jesus and whatnot, the earth would only be, like, thousands of years old. There are fossils and certain evolutionary processes that have needed millions of years to occur or else you probably wouldn't be here. Where is your god in all of that? Who says that your god is the right one? There are tons of religions all across the world, who told you you picked the right one? If you chose it at random, given your track record, I'm going to guess you probably picked the wrong one. I admire your faith, really I do. I think it's great that you have faith. If I were in your position and didn't have faith, I would kill myself. But I like to have faith in myself, and you should too. That, at least, you have some control over. I've been baptized and confirmed so I have all of the paper work done, so if I die and go to your heaven, while I'm on one side of the pearly gates and you're on the other, when I get to the head of the line and have my chat with Paul or Peter or whoever is manning the gates that day, I'll give you a wave, show them my papers and say, "Oh, don't worry. Hughs,over there, said God would forgive me."
Him: Well...... if it's cuz yo' gay 'n' shit, he fo'give you too.
Me: Awesome. I'm set then.
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