Sometimes I Think There's a Reason I Don't Go Out.

Hello all,

Yesterday I went to a holiday party thrown by a friend from high school that I haven’t seen since 2001. He was gay as the day is long in high school but didn’t come out until he was in college. It was a jammed pack evening, but I’m jumping ahead of myself….

I was so excited to actually have a party to go to, that, teamed with me having no real life, resulted in me getting ready at 4 in the afternoon and waiting 5 hours like a 16 year old girl waiting for her first homecoming dance. I won’t go into all the details, but I will say that waiting around the house to go to a party where you hope to partake in various forms of debauchery with people you just meet while your parents ask you if you need to bring any food to the party and that you need to make a nice friend so that if you drink too much you will have someone to stay with is a big ol’ buzz kill.

I got to the party a little early so I drove around a little in hopes that I would not be the first person there. After a half hour or so I finally went into the party were I was greeted by a squat Korean woman who said, “Op, it’s another gay! Are you the crazy person who’s been driving around the block for an hour?” Damn it. After that my high school friend greeted me and showed me around the house, ending in his bedroom where he over-applied his make up, told me that he and his partner have an unresolved open relationship, and showed me that in just 7 years a black tee-shirt, baggy jean-wearing hipster can become a screaming queen.

Most of the party guests consisted of couples and drag queens who weren’t in drag and bitched about it all night. After I filled my cup for the first time I realized that because of my single status I was the topic of conversation and no one in the room made it a point to conceal what they thought about me.

Party Guest 1: “Mmm, look at that ass.”

Me: “Thank you…..”

Party Guest 2: “I know it’s so perky!”

Me: “Thanks…… I was a dance major in college.”

Party Guest 1: “Ohh, you could like set your drink on it.”

Me: “…….uh…”

Party Guest 2: “You just wanna smack it!”

Me: “Ah, yes, (I dodge a few hands)……don’t though!”

My spotlight was soon stolen by the unresolved part of my friend’s open relationship. He had just turned 20, wasn’t allowed to drink because of a DUI and a court date the next day, and was leaving after his appearance in court on a plane headed for California where he was going to be filmed in his first porno at one of everyone’s favorite sites. If that’s not what dreams are made of, I’ve been dreaming for the wrong stuff.

As the party died down I was asked out by one of the only other single, non-drag queen people at the party. He was a brown haired little twink around my age who had gone to IU and majored in law and biology. He was planning a future career as a lawologist, or a bioyer, or something. We were both pretty unsure on what he would do with that, I actually think he was lying. We went to a bar nearby for an hour and I kicked his drunken ass in darts twice. After that I drove him home and went inside to use the bathroom, he told me that because of his roommate being home we could hang out in his room. I came out of the bathroom and turned the corner to find the guy already in bed in his underwear.

Me: “Uh…….hi.”

Him: “Hey, why don’t you just come and lay down in bed?”
(And by “bed”, he meant a king size air mattress with no sheets. Hell no.)

Me: “Uh …really?”

Him: “Yeah. Come on, I just wanna talk.”

Me: “Yeah, no.…..I’m….I’m just gonna go home now.”

When all was said and done I was pretty happy with that decision. The only thing I regret is the rum. Yikes! I started training for my second job today and that was rough. While watching an instructional video about hazardous chemicals and diseases transmitted in blood I was certain for 15 seconds that I had Hepatitis B, but after realizing how that was not at all possible, I knew I was just really hung over.