J(udgment) A(bstaining) G(uilt)

Hello all,

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a bar waiting for someone and was approached by a tall, thin, tan man. He had a very nice smile and asked me if he had seen me before. That line was just a little older than him; my guess is late 40’s, early 50’s. He asked if he could buy me a drink and when I said I wanted a Diet Coke I ‘m pretty sure I gave him a heart attack wondering if I was old enough to be there.

Through our conversation I learned that his name was Don, he was Lutheran, lived up in Lafayette, has a son and daughter, is a marathon runner, enjoyed Russian and German films, and was a JAG lawyer who recently became a judge for the armed forces. He also told many stories where he referenced his “wife”, who is a woman, he; I assumed that they stayed close friends after he came out. He even still wore his wedding ring. Soon after all of that I had to leave so I wished him a good night and said that I hoped to see him out.

The next weekend I saw Don out again, but he didn’t give me the same amount of attention because now I was not the only cute young thing in the bar. He was hitting on every 10 under 30 and ethnic twink that came in the door. By the end of the evening I saw him at a club with his arms draped around a little brown-skinned boy who rode Don’s hip like a bull rider.

Last weekend I was in the same bar around 8, it was not very crowded. The only people in the bar were over 50, waiting for the social tidal wave to bring in some eye candy so they could get home and in bed by 9. I was waiting for a date before we headed out on our actual plans and Don waked in again.

He chatted me up in the same fashion- foreign films, marathon running, son and daughter, but my eyes still fell upon his wedding ring, so I asked him why he still wore it.

Don: “I’m a happily married man…..haha, happily married.”

Me: “Uh, yeah………clearly.”

“No, no, it’s not like that.”

“Really. What’s it like then.”

“No, no you know? My wife is out of town and I wanted to come out. You’re judging me based something you don’t know. You don’t know what I’ve been doing.”

“No, I guess I don’t. For all I know you bought me a drink because you’re a very generous person. You ogle young muscle studs in hopes that you can be track buddies. You freak dance with ethnic twinks because….because…..well, you just must love having a good time and you can’t find any fun people in a straight bar.”

“Now, now. You’re judging me unfairly. I’m a judge and I hear people’s stories everyday and I’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t know what it’s like.”

“No, no I don’t. You’re probably right. You have a lot more people that are going to be affected by your choices. Wife, kids, that’s a lot. You don’t want to change their lives by your choices and it’s good that you’re not doing that now. I’ve been a cheater and I’ve been cheated on and I’m glad to see that what you’re doing here in this bar has no intention or potential of repercussions in you’re family life”

“This is my personal life, my PRIVATE LIFE and what I do is my choice. I got married because I love my wife and I do love her. When I was young it wasn’t as easy to be like this. It wasn’t like it is for you.”

“You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the foresight to be who you wanted to be. But you know what? I bet those older men in the corner didn’t have gay role models either, but there they are confident, happy, and gayer than a three dollar bill. But when you’re private, personal life comes into affect other people who are not your wife and kids, well that’s when it becomes a problem. What about all these guys you talk to? You don’t think that they aren’t getting mixed messages from that wedding ring? Yes, you have a family. So what. I don’t have much sympathy for a man who trolls the bars looking for a release from his wife. Being gay isn’t what’s going ruin you’re family’s lives, but lying to you them is.”

“Well, I feel like I’m being a little attacked.”

“Yes, yes you are being attacked.”

It was then that my date showed up and not a minute too soon. I kissed my date hello and when I turned around Don was gone. He not only left his seat, but he left the bar.