Winter Wonderland

Hello all,

I am writing you today from my car while the snow falls around me. I am waiting for my dog to be done at the groomers. Just minutes ago, I was waiting in my car outside of a coffee house that I usually go to while he gets his hair done. The place was closed because of the inclement weather, but I still used the internet connection from my laptop in my car.

The groomers called me to tell me that Graham was close to being done and that I could come anytime. I put my car into reverse to leave the parking lot and…………nothing! I wasn’t going anywhere! I was stuck in the snow! And as if you couldn’t tell I am not one of those resourceful gay men who can understand football, knows things about cars, or likes to work outside, so naturally I was screwed. I thought kitty litter. KITTY LITTER!!! I can use kitty litter for traction! No, no, I don’t have a cat (I’m allergic) or kitty litter in the back of my car. I thought this was it, this is how I die, frozen in a Hosier winter storm. Naturally, my initial thoughts went to my blog. I had had such an interesting week but there wasn’t a cohesive element to tie it into a story, so I contemplated putting it into bullet format. It would have looked something like this:

-The other day at work a small girl and what I assumed to be her mother came through my lane. I wasn’t listening to what the girl was saying at first, but as she came into earshot she was continuously chanting/screaming. “This is my dad’s girlfriend!!!! This is my dad’s girlfriend!!!!” Now, to the unimaginative stranger you may think that she had a single father, but I thought otherwise, and it became a much more interesting transaction.

-On Friday night I met a new friend and slept over at his town house that evening because of the distance and time of night that we got in from dancing. When we went to bed it was very cozy and dark in his home and I paid no notice to his décor but by the morning came it was a different story. As my eyes opened I saw a waterfall scene behind his bed. I sat up while my eyes adjusted and said, “Uh, is that a giant waterfall picture on the wall?” He said it was and that he had a special affinity for water falls. “Huh, that’s nice,” I said. On the way to the living room I noticed a picture on the wall of a fisherman’s wharf; it plugged into the wall, and was a working fountain. I pointed at it indirectly and politely asked if he had ever had any roommates who had left things behind. He said that everything in the house was his. “Huh, that’s nice,” I said. At the breakfast table there was a decorative table fountain and I asked if he found the sound of water soothing. He said that he did, but that specific fountain was for the cat to drink out of. I am highly allergic to cats and knew that one was there because of all of the clotted blood in my nose. Trying not to gag as I imagined a cat sitting where my cereal was I said, “Huh, that’s nice.” As we cleared the table I turned on myself to inspect the living room and what I found was something that I can’t do the justice of describing, but I’ll try. Radiating from the corner of the room he had built an indoor waterfall. Because of his vaulted ceilings, he was able to use15ft. bamboo trees and the base of the rock fountain was 5ft. high; he had also spread pebbles, the same shade ass the carpet, in a semicircle all around the instillation. It took up a corner of the room, but because of the shrubbery, it projected into the room as well. Fully knowing that I would never enter this house again, I stood there with my mouth wide open while he described to me the difference between Japanese and Chinese water gardens and I said, “Huh, that’s nice.”

-The other day at work I was in the break room watching Ellen. She was talking about a recent trip to the doctor where she received a colonoscopy and had not yet reached the punch line. One of my managers was in the room with me and found it necessary to engage me in conversation. He acts like and tells me that I am so much younger than him but in reality, I think we’re the same age. He has the skin of an anemic hot dog, a full head of hair but still has a comb over that goes from ear to ear, and I am certain that he was breast fed until he was 15 or 16.

Him: “Uhhhhhhhhh, hey!”

Me: “Hello.”

“That is actually how it is.”

“What?”

“A colonoscopy, that is an accurate description. I had that procedure done last year.”

“Huh.” Realizing that he had just talked over the punch line.

“Yes, if I had to describe it that would be exactly it. They put a piece of blue plastic in your mouth, ask you to roll over, and you wake up 6 hours later.”

I thought that I had seen movies that started like that, but I didn’t think he would find that funny, so I just nodded and smiled. Later on in the day we were stocking a shelf next to a TV that was playing the prequel to the Little Mermaid. Just trying to make conversation I had realized that the evil sea witch’s henchman was a manatee and said,

“Did you know that sailors used to think that manatees were mermaids and that’s where the legend begins?”

Him: “Oh,…….. is that so?”

“Yes, but it kind of bothers me to see a manatee on the ocean floor……..It’s a mammal, it wouldn’t survive on the ocean floor.”

“Oh, yes. But there’s also another reason a manatee could not be the friend of an evil sea witch.”

“Why’s that?” I said

Dead serious, not joking at all “They just don’t have the demeanor for it.”

“………Oh, yeah. I heard that once.” I walked away as quickly as possible.

Seriously, as I was stuck in the snow I thought of this, that and Graham. Who would pick him up? Who would take care of him?!?! Oh my God!! My eyes frantically chased from side to side and fell upon the letter “N”. I was in neutral. I was revving my engine in neutral, thinking that I was stuck in the snow. I put my car in reverse, for real and hightailed it to where I am now, waiting for Graham. I am not an idiot, I’m just eccentric.