Final Words

Hello all,

I had a moment of weakness the other day and I called Fuckhead. Right as I did it I regretted it. I’ve had a crappy couple of days and I thought one of two things could happen.

1. His “oh so depressing” life wouldn’t seem so bad and we’d get beck together.
2. He would come to comfort me and we’d get back together.

What am I on? Geeeez.

I have a friend whose theory for me going back to him is all about closure. I’ve come to believe that this is true on many levels, but giving me an excuse to be irrationally emotional and have crazy mood swings is dangerous territory. I think I’d have it all down if I could figure out my last words.

I tried to be reasonable:

“Fuckhead, it’s not going to work because of who you are now, and who I am now. We just need to end this and move on. Your feelings for me are just memories and if you really loved me you’d find a way for us to be together.”

Reasonable, no? This train of thought works for me cause I get to sound like an adult and even though I got screwed over harder than I care to retell, I get to sound like I broke things off yet he is still responsible for the cause.

I’ve also tried not so reasonable:

“Jesus Christ!!!! Why do you keep on doing this to me?!?!? You can’t keep on saying that you love me and not do anything about it!!!!!! That’s not “love”!!! You ruined my life, you son of a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m never talking to you again!!!! Goodbye!!!!”

Following phone message:

“Why didn’t you call me back?!??!?! What the hell is your problem?!?!? You better call me back or……..or…….you better call me back!!!!!”

Following phone message:

“God you make me so mad!!!! Who do you think you are acting like your life has no consequences!?!?!?...................Ok, I’m sorry I just want to talk. Please call me. Bye.”

Seriously these manic rants have actually come out of my mouth. What am I on?!?!? He has a way of saying absolutely nothing and I read everything into it, like every time we have to end a phone call he says that we’re going to work on getting back together and he’ll call me. Now many of you will think that you wait a few hours and he will call you back and you will begin to work on your relationship. No, no. What he really means is I’ll never call you, everything is your fault, go crazy and eventually reach out to me because I am a douche bag.

If someone could have decoded this for me I could have saved a lot of time and gotten off a list for a sawed-off twelve gage and a bus ticket to NYC.

He is sending me my remaining DVDs and some dance clothes and since he took everything that was ours, I’m not sending him any of his scraps that I have. I am at a loss at what to do with the ring we share together. It’s not a wedding ring but a ring that he bought me that matches one of his that he wears everyday. I stopped wearing it when I got home, and I’ve tried to hide it from myself, but I still know where it is.

I thought that I would throw it into a creek by my house, but maybe that was to Titanic. My friend told me to sell it, but it’s a pinky ring-and how awkward is that to advertise. Recently I’ve thought of mailing it to him once I get my things, but would I need to send a note with it and what would I write and would I want a response and would I ever get one and clearly that will lead to more headaches for me and all who read my blog.