My Funny Valentine

Hello all,

Well it finally happened. So many days I have dreamt of a handsome man coming through my grocery lane, falling madly in love with me (in 10 items or less) and asking me out on a date. And it happened.

I had seen my admirer before, with a friend, but neither of them paid too much attention to me. But today was different. After a small purchase, I thought our encounter was over, but a few minutes after that I was drawn out of my daily grind with a tap on my shoulder. I was surprised by a smile, a phone number, and an invitation for a date on Valentine’s evening. It was all so romantic, but there was one little problem. My invitation was from a confused Eastern European girl name Carolina.

God is so cruel that way. Now in all honesty, she seems like a perfectly nice girl with an incredibly thick, guttural accent, but she has a few things I’m extremely not interested in and one thing I’d definitely miss. Seriously, I had always imagined being picked up at my store, but later on in the day when a woman bought an over sized mirror I realized why it would never happen from a gay man; I wear a dumpy, baggy red shirt, the lighting is awful, and no one thinks an impulse purchase will lead to a date. “Snickers, Trident, boyfriend.” Doesn’t happen.

I was very flattered to get hit on regardless, but how dense was this girl? Even as a child I didn’t pass for straight- I’ve seen the footage. Even in college I was cast as the fop in ballets. She had clearly never played the game Gay or European, where you decide if an androgynous, well-dressed man is gay or European. But maybe because she was European, that I was dressed poorly, and that I only have a few lines that I say to customers (ex. “Hello, your total is, have a good day”) I pass for straight. I’ll add that to my resume-"Passes for European Straight”. Look out Light in the Piazza and…………and………..any other European musical where there are straight men, HERE I COME!!!!