The Phantom of the Basement

Hello,

I am under a lot of stress, it's a whole nother story.

The other day I was in the bathroom and I peed all over myself. It's gross, I know, but it happened. I like to sit down to go to the bathroom sometimes, it takes the pressure off aiming, and I didn't realize that when I "positioned myself", I was pointed between the toilet seat and bowl and ended up peeing out all over my legs and pants. Thank God I was home and nobody was awake. But, Jesus Christ! I am 25 years old, why am I peeing on myself?!?!? I feel like an invalid! That, people, is how stressed out I am, I'm so stressed out, I peed myself!

One of my new favorite things to do when I get home from work is to take the dogs out and have a nice drink in my hand. Looking at the 2 acre estate that is in no way mine, I like to feel like I'm a lady of leisure. As I was almost done with my Leinenkugel, I sat down on the grass and the dogs one by one came to see what I was up to. Graham, my Scottie, came, we hugged , he left. My parents Boston Terrier came and put his front paws on my legs and kept on starring at me. "Stop it.........go away.........what?" He just kept on starring at me. I looked down and nestled in his torso, sprouting from a little white muff, an octopus tentacle was coming at me.

"AWABOUYAAAAH!" That also is gross. I have never seen such a large disgusting penis come out of such a small dog. But on the other hand, it was nice to be flirted with for a change.

Yesterday was Friday and we all know what that means.............Pizza Night with the 'rents. After Dad came home with the pizza, he started to clear the table while I was in the living room watching TV. I look up just as Dad yells, "God damn it, Graham!" and hits my dog across the face.

"What the hell are you doing!?!?!"

"Well, he kept pressing his wet nose up against my leg!!"

"Do you hear how crazy you sound?"

"We'll he had it comin'!"

"He's a dog, you crazy old bastard!"

To far, I know. Mom chimed in, yelling at me not to call him that, even if I didn't mean it, but I probably did. I did. We fought a little more and I stormed downstairs not finishing my Pizza King pizza.

While I was in the basement I went through boxes, drank some beer, read a book, I forgot how much there is to do in the basement. When I was in high school I spent most of my time down there and forgot how empowering the cool and musty air was. It was time for me to emerge and get that pizza that was bought for me, and was deservedly mine. The door to the upstairs was closed! I didn't close it!?!? As I started to climb the stairs I heard voices coming from the sun room that were not my parent's. My parents locked me in the basement to hide me from house guests! I was the Phantom of the Basement! I looked through the crack in the door but couldn't make out who was up there. Everyone was speaking with a Hoosier slur and talking about the fair, so I thought I'd avoid that bullet and stay in my sanctuary. When the voices were gone, I popped onto the surface and took the dogs outside and found what the visitors were all about.

There is a Mike Phipps sign on our yard the size of a dinning room table big enough for the Brady Bunch. Apparently, Mr. Phipps is an acquaintance of my parents running for som county seat (which I thought went out if business long ago for plaid overuse) and was buttering them up with some 4-H talk so that he could but that eyesore on the lawn. He was just using them. I mean I was using them too but that was for pizza....and were related. Vote Phipps!