The Scariest Halloween

Hello all,

Picture it, Oct. 30 10:30 pm. Mom had just woken up for one last cognitive thought from the two and a half hour nap she'd been taking since 8, she'd still doze for another hour before swaggering off to bed.
For no reason I asked her, "Mom, what are we doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Well, we're having Rogers' Thanksgiving the Sat. before, and since Aunt Sue had Christmas last I'll have her and Uncle Bob over for Thanksgiving."

"And what about Christmas?"

"We'll, it's kind of the same thing. All of your brothers and everyone will come over on Christmas eve and Sue and Bobbie will come over for Christmas day."

See if you can tell what was audibly happening to me:

"Hmm ohh ooooha ha hahahaha uuuuuuuhhhhhhh oh oh oh God ah ah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh shif snif oh."

That's right, at first I was laughing for how unfunny and crappy that sounded and thought "Well, if It's gonna suck it might as well suck really bad." And then I thought of the life I had, the awesome life of a couple for the holidays. You get to pick the family you see, miss the awkward family and most of the time is spent listening to fun music in the car, traveling from home to good part of my family to the good part of his family and back to home. Now I get to explain my failed life to people who I have purposefully been avoiding for the last 5 years.

And by the end of my exclamation my eyes were actually filled with tears. I wasn't full on Oprah crying but it was noticeable. That was the beginning of the scariest Halloween.

I woke up on Halloween morning alone. Not only because I am newly separated, but no one else was actually in the house. I spent the whole day alone. How crappy is that! So I waited around all day, watching the Halloween episodes of everything on TV and finally Mom and Dad came home. They were hell-bent on going to Applebee's or Olive Garden and then coming home to watch (sleep) through Hocus Pocus. With that being one of Mr. Unspeakable's favorite seasonal movies I was happy one of my brothers came over to borrow stuff for his Halloween party.

Over the course of him being there I tried to use my sibling telepathy to tell him to take me with him and save me from this hell hole of a holiday cause it was just to scary. But apparently that meant get chummy with Mom and Dad and leave me be. Since I had nothing better to do all day, and I needed validation, I showed him the cookies that I made for the party (peanut butter oatmeal with Hershey Kisses on top, why some man hasn't snatched me up, I'll never know). He said that they looked nice and Mom chimed in,

"Well, just so you know. He made them with MY ingredients."

No duh, bitch. Like I took the $60 I have to my name and went to the store and bought the ingredients to make some God damned cookies. OR that it just so happen that the 10 random boxes that I was able to acquire from the last 25 years of my life through a failed relationship just so happen to contain the ingredients to make these mother effing cookies. All of that was compiled into a icy glare.

"No I'm just saying that, yes he made them but I supplied the ingredients. They're actually pretty good."

Again, no duh, bitch. If you can read, you can cook. I have always been a good baker, everybody knows. So my brother left, with no lifeline to me, and I watched Stardust with Ma and Pa Kettle.

"I'm going to have to watch this like 5 more times to even get it!", Mom said.

"Try 15."

She deserved that. This coming from the woman who watches Sister Act once a month, stops in the kitchen while watching it and says, ".......Ha ha! Did you see that? I've never seen that part before!" No, really Mom? That's incredible.

On top of all of this fun that could have made me rip the skin off my face, I got no candy. NONE, ZIPPO, NADA. I told Mom this and she said that the candy on the counter in the basket was for everyone. Whoppers, Milkduds, cheapo Halloween chocolates and those "fun size" Twizzlers that are not fun and taste nothing like the real thing. No that is not my Halloween candy.

WORST HALLOWEEN EVER.