Hello all,
I have started to receive packages of my things from Fuckhead. It’s like Christmas; if for Christmas you were only given things that you bought for yourself months if not years ago and you had no recollection of what you actually wanted for Christmas. It’d be a pretty shitty Christmas. I guess the only similarities are opening boxes and seeing things you already expected to be there. We, in the Rogers’ household, have a scheduled Christmas; plan it right and nobody gets hurt.
I already got one box of DVDs and today I got a box of clothes. As I went through the clothes I can not explain why I did what I did, I can only say that I did it obsessively. Piece by piece, I smelled each article of clothing. I don’t even know what I was smelling for. A stranger observing me would have seen a psycho huffing the Gap 2007 spring season and old jazz pants, but I think maybe I was trying to see if the smelled like him. I remember smelling him and thinking that it was intoxicating, but I have no idea what he smells like now. That’s probably a good thing.
As I smelled through a portion of my wardrobe, I would check and see if the previous one smelled like the one I had in my hand, if the pants had more of a scent than the shirts, or if they smelled like more of what they smelled like together or separately. For the most part they smelled like old fabric softener and a humid box.
On the down side he has sent me some things that aren't mine. How frustrating is that.....really. Really fucking frustrating. I mean seriously asshole, if you are going to sent me all this random shit why not send me, oh I don't know..... some of the God damn furniture of mine that you threw out! Or, or maybe, my microwave! Or possibly some of my fucking dishes! Or ANYTHING ELSE! I don't want your ugly ass sweaters from your "moody boho" period. Fuckhead, I call you Fuckhead for a reason.....GOD!.....ug!.......Fuckhead.
All I can say for certain is that swine flu outbreak started in 2 states: New York and Indiana (the news told me so). Coincidence? I think not. Fortunately enough Mom has brought home some face masks that a friend has pressured her into buying. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go and inhale a box of clothes to see if I can remember a person that I hate.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The One Night Engagement of a Dandelion
Hello all,
It was brought to my attention the other day that dog pee kills grass. I’ve always thought this and have seen it on TV, but the opposite is true for my little Wunderhund. (It’s German, look it up, think Wunderkind.) I know it may seem trivial, but everywhere my dog pees, there is a spontaneous growth of grass. It’s like the Fountain of Youth leakin’ right out of my Scottie. I always knew he was gifted. Some guy at work told me that if a dog drinks a lot of water it helps grass instead of kills it.
Since most of my day consists of work and watching television, the only time I have for my own thoughts is while I’m out with my dog as he spreads the elixir of life all over the yard. My mind wanders from show tunes to life goals, craigslist to my failed attempt at life, and with the new spring weather I always look upon the new blooms. There are many amazing blossoms to gaze upon; the new lilac bush, the neighbor’s tree we claim as our own, and this weird bush/tree-type plant that has very tropical fuchsia flowers in the spring and mystery pear/apple fruit in the fall that are completely inedible -believe me I know, yuck. But my eyes always fall upon the dandelion.
I know the dandelion is a weed, but when I thought about it what an interesting and seductive life it leads. It’s clearly a weed that can ruin a perfectly good lawn, but who are you kidding, it’s a flower!? Everybody loves a flower! It’s little and simple and yellow- the color of friendship (again, look it up, although it’s not German). It’s so pretty and harmless. After the first change in the weather, I opposed Dad mowing the lawn because seriously look at the lawn, it’s so pretty! But just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait….
The next morning, I went out with my dog from whom all blessings flow and saw that even though the grass was abundant and green, my pasture of sunny-faced flowers were replaced by its skeletal counterpart. Just overnight, OVERNIGHT! The dandelions which were so perfect and uplifting were gone and left in its place was the potential for more of its toxic siblings. Now, I think that blowing on a day old dandelion is just as fancy as the next gal, but think about what you’re actually doing. You’re planting more weeds, maybe not on purpose, maybe not even you, it could be the wind, an animal, anything has the ability to spread the epidemic of the weed.
As per my dramatic usual, I looked at the dandelion and saw my old relationship with Fuckhead. Yes, on the surface everything looked fine but overnight POOF! Fucked. Overnight, it seems, I developed more problems from something that could have been remedied numerous other ways if I just would have had the foresight to see my problems for what they were- problems. I’m not saying that I would have been the one to break things up, I wouldn’t have, it’s not how I was raised. I’m a gardener, not an exterminator.
There’s no easy way to solve these problems I’ve gotten into, it’s not as easy as Dad mowing them over in the morning. I can only hope that the wind will just eventually blow it all away and everything will be OK. On the upside, many of the little parachute seeds that dance right off the dandelion get caught in the mane of my magical dog and I CAN comb/wash/recomb it right out of him. It’s nice to have some control over the problem.
It was brought to my attention the other day that dog pee kills grass. I’ve always thought this and have seen it on TV, but the opposite is true for my little Wunderhund. (It’s German, look it up, think Wunderkind.) I know it may seem trivial, but everywhere my dog pees, there is a spontaneous growth of grass. It’s like the Fountain of Youth leakin’ right out of my Scottie. I always knew he was gifted. Some guy at work told me that if a dog drinks a lot of water it helps grass instead of kills it.
Since most of my day consists of work and watching television, the only time I have for my own thoughts is while I’m out with my dog as he spreads the elixir of life all over the yard. My mind wanders from show tunes to life goals, craigslist to my failed attempt at life, and with the new spring weather I always look upon the new blooms. There are many amazing blossoms to gaze upon; the new lilac bush, the neighbor’s tree we claim as our own, and this weird bush/tree-type plant that has very tropical fuchsia flowers in the spring and mystery pear/apple fruit in the fall that are completely inedible -believe me I know, yuck. But my eyes always fall upon the dandelion.
I know the dandelion is a weed, but when I thought about it what an interesting and seductive life it leads. It’s clearly a weed that can ruin a perfectly good lawn, but who are you kidding, it’s a flower!? Everybody loves a flower! It’s little and simple and yellow- the color of friendship (again, look it up, although it’s not German). It’s so pretty and harmless. After the first change in the weather, I opposed Dad mowing the lawn because seriously look at the lawn, it’s so pretty! But just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait….
The next morning, I went out with my dog from whom all blessings flow and saw that even though the grass was abundant and green, my pasture of sunny-faced flowers were replaced by its skeletal counterpart. Just overnight, OVERNIGHT! The dandelions which were so perfect and uplifting were gone and left in its place was the potential for more of its toxic siblings. Now, I think that blowing on a day old dandelion is just as fancy as the next gal, but think about what you’re actually doing. You’re planting more weeds, maybe not on purpose, maybe not even you, it could be the wind, an animal, anything has the ability to spread the epidemic of the weed.
As per my dramatic usual, I looked at the dandelion and saw my old relationship with Fuckhead. Yes, on the surface everything looked fine but overnight POOF! Fucked. Overnight, it seems, I developed more problems from something that could have been remedied numerous other ways if I just would have had the foresight to see my problems for what they were- problems. I’m not saying that I would have been the one to break things up, I wouldn’t have, it’s not how I was raised. I’m a gardener, not an exterminator.
There’s no easy way to solve these problems I’ve gotten into, it’s not as easy as Dad mowing them over in the morning. I can only hope that the wind will just eventually blow it all away and everything will be OK. On the upside, many of the little parachute seeds that dance right off the dandelion get caught in the mane of my magical dog and I CAN comb/wash/recomb it right out of him. It’s nice to have some control over the problem.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I've Been Craigslisted Vol. III
Hello all,
I write this to you today as the rain trickles outside. For all those who bitch and moan about rainy days and it being "yucky" weather I have three words for you. Go fuck yourself. I burn in January, enjoy the smell of rain, and with the added humidity in the air, it is the perfect weather for singing around the house while nobody's home. If the drastic weather change of rain affects you so much that you need to complain to me about it, move to a dessert and shut up.
Anyways, I have been craigslisted again! I know! I will soon have to hire an armed body guard to protect me and then fall in love with me after nobody cares, alla The Bodyguard. As per usual, I was at work minding my own beeswax and a handsome businessman in his early 40's came through my lane. We didn't really speak outside of the usual and he made sure to touch my hands and linger as I handed him his bag and receipt. After about 10 paces he turned around to look at me and also stopped just before the door to throw me a glance before he left.
Woohoo! It's really the little things in life. I mean, I'd enjoy winning 200,000 million dollars but if I can get checked out by a well off business man, that'll do too. Later on that night I hopped on ye ol' craigslist and look what I found:
Hi there...came through your line today at the (place where I work) and our eyes locked a couple of times. I would very much like to take care of what is inside those khaki pants you were wearing. I was the one that bought the bread around noon today. If you are interested, please let me know. When you write, please include your name...yes, I looked at your name tag...so I can verify it is you.
Yeow-za! Unlike the O.G. from Vol. 2, he was much more handsome and well off, so naturally I sent him a line back to see what would happen. And he wrote back:
Hi Noah....you made something inside of me come alive that I haven't felt for a couple of years. I used to have a very good, close male friend and we would get together quite a bit and would make each other feel very good. I haven't felt these desires until I saw you yesterday. He also had a friend that would join us on occasion and that was even better. I am married and I have to be extremely discrete so if you are interested in making each other feel very good...let me know. Also, what did you have in mind??
Who-ho-ho-hoa hold on there partner! Aside from all the cheesiness of desires and what not which is B.S. Married?!?!?! What is up? Can't a guy meet another guy and not be old, fat, ugly, hairy, poc-faced, stupid, poor, and MARRIED, fall in love and live happily ever after? What is with all the hurdles?
Joking aside I thought about it for a second and a half and thought it was not it was not in my best interest. I wrote back:
If it's my choice, I think I'm going to have to pass. Although I do love many things in the bedroom, my biggest turn on is a guy who's out. I've been a cheap floozy for long enough don't know if this is the best idea. I've been a cheater and been cheated on and would feel bad for your wife., I'm the marrying kind and am looking for the next Mr. Right, call me old fashioned. Good luck with finding a fuck buddy and if you get a divorce, send me a line.
Cute, coi, and honest, no? I have edited out some choice material from these messages because they would make even the most brazen blush. He sent me a final message:
Thank you very much Noah...I do appreciate it. And while I am very disappointed, I understand completely and hope you find the love of your life, your soul mate. You are very attractive and please know...I don't post at all, but found something in your look that did something to me. I am in that Target often and will probably see you at times...will make sure I smile and wink...while checking out your ass of course ;-)
Ug, let it go already with all of the spirituality crap. He just wanted a lil' sum'in', sum'in'. What is thos look I do? Let's just say I'm sure he has been cheating on his wife for a long time. I never get guys who are bi. I don't believe in bisexuality. They just want it all and are afraid to embrace the awesomeness that is being a gay man. You can be as feminine or masculine as you want! Be gay! Funny quips, tight shirts, and no pregnancy! What's not to like?
I write this to you today as the rain trickles outside. For all those who bitch and moan about rainy days and it being "yucky" weather I have three words for you. Go fuck yourself. I burn in January, enjoy the smell of rain, and with the added humidity in the air, it is the perfect weather for singing around the house while nobody's home. If the drastic weather change of rain affects you so much that you need to complain to me about it, move to a dessert and shut up.
Anyways, I have been craigslisted again! I know! I will soon have to hire an armed body guard to protect me and then fall in love with me after nobody cares, alla The Bodyguard. As per usual, I was at work minding my own beeswax and a handsome businessman in his early 40's came through my lane. We didn't really speak outside of the usual and he made sure to touch my hands and linger as I handed him his bag and receipt. After about 10 paces he turned around to look at me and also stopped just before the door to throw me a glance before he left.
Woohoo! It's really the little things in life. I mean, I'd enjoy winning 200,000 million dollars but if I can get checked out by a well off business man, that'll do too. Later on that night I hopped on ye ol' craigslist and look what I found:
Hi there...came through your line today at the (place where I work) and our eyes locked a couple of times. I would very much like to take care of what is inside those khaki pants you were wearing. I was the one that bought the bread around noon today. If you are interested, please let me know. When you write, please include your name...yes, I looked at your name tag...so I can verify it is you.
Yeow-za! Unlike the O.G. from Vol. 2, he was much more handsome and well off, so naturally I sent him a line back to see what would happen. And he wrote back:
Hi Noah....you made something inside of me come alive that I haven't felt for a couple of years. I used to have a very good, close male friend and we would get together quite a bit and would make each other feel very good. I haven't felt these desires until I saw you yesterday. He also had a friend that would join us on occasion and that was even better. I am married and I have to be extremely discrete so if you are interested in making each other feel very good...let me know. Also, what did you have in mind??
Who-ho-ho-hoa hold on there partner! Aside from all the cheesiness of desires and what not which is B.S. Married?!?!?! What is up? Can't a guy meet another guy and not be old, fat, ugly, hairy, poc-faced, stupid, poor, and MARRIED, fall in love and live happily ever after? What is with all the hurdles?
Joking aside I thought about it for a second and a half and thought it was not it was not in my best interest. I wrote back:
If it's my choice, I think I'm going to have to pass. Although I do love many things in the bedroom, my biggest turn on is a guy who's out. I've been a cheap floozy for long enough don't know if this is the best idea. I've been a cheater and been cheated on and would feel bad for your wife., I'm the marrying kind and am looking for the next Mr. Right, call me old fashioned. Good luck with finding a fuck buddy and if you get a divorce, send me a line.
Cute, coi, and honest, no? I have edited out some choice material from these messages because they would make even the most brazen blush. He sent me a final message:
Thank you very much Noah...I do appreciate it. And while I am very disappointed, I understand completely and hope you find the love of your life, your soul mate. You are very attractive and please know...I don't post at all, but found something in your look that did something to me. I am in that Target often and will probably see you at times...will make sure I smile and wink...while checking out your ass of course ;-)
Ug, let it go already with all of the spirituality crap. He just wanted a lil' sum'in', sum'in'. What is thos look I do? Let's just say I'm sure he has been cheating on his wife for a long time. I never get guys who are bi. I don't believe in bisexuality. They just want it all and are afraid to embrace the awesomeness that is being a gay man. You can be as feminine or masculine as you want! Be gay! Funny quips, tight shirts, and no pregnancy! What's not to like?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I've Been Craigslisted Vol. II
Hello all,
The week after my proposed threesome from a couple on craigslist, I was still on a high. I got a haircut, it was spring, and I was starring at every stranger like he could potentially be my next husband. AWKWARD. I need someone in my head to tell me, “Noah, stop starring at that person, he’s not even gay, he’s married, you didn’t even do your hair today, you look like a stalker”. That would be helpful.
Anywho, an older gay gentleman came through my lane that day with a handful of DVDs including “Weeds Season 3”. We chatted about that and the previous seasons as well as the great DVD sales in the store and he went on his merry way leaving me only with a wiggly smile. He came back a few days later and came back through my lane. He said that he already had that season, bought only some almonds and some socks, both things near my check out lane, and again went on his merry way.
2 minutes later I was hanging out near the end of my lane, pretending to do something, and the older gentlemen (O.G.) came back.
O.G.: “Uh, hi, again.”
Me: “Oh, hi.
O.G.: “Um, did you know that there is a craigslist ad about you?”
Me: “Yeah, I saw it the other day. I was very flattered.”
O.G.: “Yeah, I saw it too and knew it was you. Do you have a boyfriend?”
Me: “No, no I don’t. Things are kind of complicated for me right now, so I’m just enjoying being by myself. Well, have a good day.”
He smiled at me, raised his eyebrow, winked and walked away. I don’t care if I was getting hit on by shady couples and old guys, I felt HOT! On Easter Sunday, as many gays did for entertainment, I got on craigslist and found a little Easter egg of my own.
Fishers Target: Weeds Fans Unite! - m4m
you said Your life is busy right nOw but woUld you have the time (or desiRe) to catch a sEason of weeds? would love to have you over to view it together, nothing Complicated jUst nsa weeds....if not weeds how abouT the united statEs of tara? if you email back tell me what i came back into the store to tell you....just so i know its you....
I was shocked.....I'm FAMOUS! For freak's sake, you can't even get people to stop recognizing me. I'm like fuckin' Lindsay Lohan. After the stars faded from my eyes I noticed that there was some irregular capitalization in his message:
YOU RE CUTE.
I love a good game, but was the game cute or the guy? Upon further investigation I realized it was the game. We emailed back and forth,and he left me many interesting and supportive messages in all caps, I just wanted to see where it would go. Because if he was rich and cute, this could definitely be my future husband, age aside. But seeing as how he was an older gentleman who trolled craigslist, leaving spooky cryptic messages in capital letters, the dream wore thin pretty quickly.
On a completely different note, I think I just ingested a large quantity of dish soap, like a table spoon or so. I opened my mouth and REAL bubbles came out. My entire dinner tasted like soap, but it was so good I kept eating it. There may be a direct line between compromising my dignity, responding to these craigslist ads, and continuing to eat a Dawn-drenched bowl of homemade lo mien, but I don't think I'm aware enough to put it together. I'll leave that mystery in the hands of my therapist I will have caudal me after I make it big.
The week after my proposed threesome from a couple on craigslist, I was still on a high. I got a haircut, it was spring, and I was starring at every stranger like he could potentially be my next husband. AWKWARD. I need someone in my head to tell me, “Noah, stop starring at that person, he’s not even gay, he’s married, you didn’t even do your hair today, you look like a stalker”. That would be helpful.
Anywho, an older gay gentleman came through my lane that day with a handful of DVDs including “Weeds Season 3”. We chatted about that and the previous seasons as well as the great DVD sales in the store and he went on his merry way leaving me only with a wiggly smile. He came back a few days later and came back through my lane. He said that he already had that season, bought only some almonds and some socks, both things near my check out lane, and again went on his merry way.
2 minutes later I was hanging out near the end of my lane, pretending to do something, and the older gentlemen (O.G.) came back.
O.G.: “Uh, hi, again.”
Me: “Oh, hi.
O.G.: “Um, did you know that there is a craigslist ad about you?”
Me: “Yeah, I saw it the other day. I was very flattered.”
O.G.: “Yeah, I saw it too and knew it was you. Do you have a boyfriend?”
Me: “No, no I don’t. Things are kind of complicated for me right now, so I’m just enjoying being by myself. Well, have a good day.”
He smiled at me, raised his eyebrow, winked and walked away. I don’t care if I was getting hit on by shady couples and old guys, I felt HOT! On Easter Sunday, as many gays did for entertainment, I got on craigslist and found a little Easter egg of my own.
Fishers Target: Weeds Fans Unite! - m4m
you said Your life is busy right nOw but woUld you have the time (or desiRe) to catch a sEason of weeds? would love to have you over to view it together, nothing Complicated jUst nsa weeds....if not weeds how abouT the united statEs of tara? if you email back tell me what i came back into the store to tell you....just so i know its you....
I was shocked.....I'm FAMOUS! For freak's sake, you can't even get people to stop recognizing me. I'm like fuckin' Lindsay Lohan. After the stars faded from my eyes I noticed that there was some irregular capitalization in his message:
YOU RE CUTE.
I love a good game, but was the game cute or the guy? Upon further investigation I realized it was the game. We emailed back and forth,and he left me many interesting and supportive messages in all caps, I just wanted to see where it would go. Because if he was rich and cute, this could definitely be my future husband, age aside. But seeing as how he was an older gentleman who trolled craigslist, leaving spooky cryptic messages in capital letters, the dream wore thin pretty quickly.
On a completely different note, I think I just ingested a large quantity of dish soap, like a table spoon or so. I opened my mouth and REAL bubbles came out. My entire dinner tasted like soap, but it was so good I kept eating it. There may be a direct line between compromising my dignity, responding to these craigslist ads, and continuing to eat a Dawn-drenched bowl of homemade lo mien, but I don't think I'm aware enough to put it together. I'll leave that mystery in the hands of my therapist I will have caudal me after I make it big.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I’ve Been Craigslisted Vol. I
Hello all,
I write this to you as I watch the A-List awards on Bravo. God, I love Kathy Griffin.
So, 2 weeks ago I was at work and saw a handsome couple walk past my lane. They were in their mid to late 30’s and more than moderately attractive. Since it has been a LONG while since I have been out in the dating atmosphere and most of my flirting consists of me batting my doe eyes at Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, Adam Lambert, Hugh Jackman, JC Chasez, Cheyenne Jackson, Matt Lauer, Seth McFarlane, Eric Dane, Lance Bass, Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Dean Cain, Justin Timberlake, Seth Meyers, Ricky Martin, Rupert Everett, that guy who wrote Milk and many many others through the television, I wasn’t expecting a response from my lingering, awkwardly penetrating stare.
But sure enough one them, I’m guessing the top, stared at me back! Even after he and his beau passed me he kept his smile lingering, his eyebrow devilishly raised, and stare piercing. Needless to say, that put a little hop in my step for the remainder of the day; until I came home, hopped on craigslist (NO JUDGEMENT I love the “missed connections”!) and saw this:
Red headed frat boy cashier with good eye contact - m4m - 38
You are a hot looking college age cashier with red hair. We are a bearish MM couple, 38 years old, You and I locked eyes for a solid 10 seconds as we were walking out of the store. Wanted so much to go back and buy something and go through your line, but we were late getting somewhere. We're done with our errands. Drop me a note if you want to have a SANDWICH. You are hot. ;)
Oooh, a sandwich! I hope it’s grilled cheese!! I love grilled cheese, AND tomato soup, unstopable that combination is. I mean serious yum…. Think about it, yum. But seriously, I was very flattered; I have never been called frat-looking in my entire life. I’ve learned the hard way, no pun intended, that no matter what people say, there is no perfect three-way. Even though gay men can hook like Legos, someone always ends up as the odd man out - believe me.
I wrote him back a very polite email saying that I thought he and his boyfriend/partner were both very cute, but I had a lot going on right now. Maybe we could reschedule? I did not get a response.
I write this to you as I watch the A-List awards on Bravo. God, I love Kathy Griffin.
So, 2 weeks ago I was at work and saw a handsome couple walk past my lane. They were in their mid to late 30’s and more than moderately attractive. Since it has been a LONG while since I have been out in the dating atmosphere and most of my flirting consists of me batting my doe eyes at Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, Adam Lambert, Hugh Jackman, JC Chasez, Cheyenne Jackson, Matt Lauer, Seth McFarlane, Eric Dane, Lance Bass, Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Dean Cain, Justin Timberlake, Seth Meyers, Ricky Martin, Rupert Everett, that guy who wrote Milk and many many others through the television, I wasn’t expecting a response from my lingering, awkwardly penetrating stare.
But sure enough one them, I’m guessing the top, stared at me back! Even after he and his beau passed me he kept his smile lingering, his eyebrow devilishly raised, and stare piercing. Needless to say, that put a little hop in my step for the remainder of the day; until I came home, hopped on craigslist (NO JUDGEMENT I love the “missed connections”!) and saw this:
Red headed frat boy cashier with good eye contact - m4m - 38
You are a hot looking college age cashier with red hair. We are a bearish MM couple, 38 years old, You and I locked eyes for a solid 10 seconds as we were walking out of the store. Wanted so much to go back and buy something and go through your line, but we were late getting somewhere. We're done with our errands. Drop me a note if you want to have a SANDWICH. You are hot. ;)
Oooh, a sandwich! I hope it’s grilled cheese!! I love grilled cheese, AND tomato soup, unstopable that combination is. I mean serious yum…. Think about it, yum. But seriously, I was very flattered; I have never been called frat-looking in my entire life. I’ve learned the hard way, no pun intended, that no matter what people say, there is no perfect three-way. Even though gay men can hook like Legos, someone always ends up as the odd man out - believe me.
I wrote him back a very polite email saying that I thought he and his boyfriend/partner were both very cute, but I had a lot going on right now. Maybe we could reschedule? I did not get a response.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A Nut Too Many
Hello all,
As many of you know I am spending a lot of time at home for various reasons, and except for a few things, it’s not bad at all. My parents and I are acclimating swimmingly with eachother and actually one of my favorite things (in small doses) is watching TV with them. Hearing Mom say, “What’s going on? Who is that? What did he say? What’s that mean?” would commonly annoy me but hearing Dad respond to her makes it all worth while.
Many of my friends in high school thought that my dad was a mute because Mom talked all the time and he stood there with his stone face and waited to chauffer us home. But now, hearing him say, “She has no business in shorts.” or break down the entire elimination of Dancing with the Stars or American Idol; I can tell we’re related.
The other day Mom came home and brought us all Peanut M&Ms from school as a treat. As Mom bit into a red M&M, she noticed something:
Mom: “This is missing a peanut! Look, there’s no peanut in here!”
Me: “Huh. Well, why don’t you put a stamp on it and send it to the Mars company. I’m sure they’d love to know that they missed one and they’d send you a nut in the mail.”
Without skipping a beat, Dad chimed in:
Dad: “Why don’t you come over here? I can give you a nut if that’s what you want.”
Honest to God, I almost choked laughing. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, but it was hilarious.
As many of you know I am spending a lot of time at home for various reasons, and except for a few things, it’s not bad at all. My parents and I are acclimating swimmingly with eachother and actually one of my favorite things (in small doses) is watching TV with them. Hearing Mom say, “What’s going on? Who is that? What did he say? What’s that mean?” would commonly annoy me but hearing Dad respond to her makes it all worth while.
Many of my friends in high school thought that my dad was a mute because Mom talked all the time and he stood there with his stone face and waited to chauffer us home. But now, hearing him say, “She has no business in shorts.” or break down the entire elimination of Dancing with the Stars or American Idol; I can tell we’re related.
The other day Mom came home and brought us all Peanut M&Ms from school as a treat. As Mom bit into a red M&M, she noticed something:
Mom: “This is missing a peanut! Look, there’s no peanut in here!”
Me: “Huh. Well, why don’t you put a stamp on it and send it to the Mars company. I’m sure they’d love to know that they missed one and they’d send you a nut in the mail.”
Without skipping a beat, Dad chimed in:
Dad: “Why don’t you come over here? I can give you a nut if that’s what you want.”
Honest to God, I almost choked laughing. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, but it was hilarious.
Mr. C-ya
Hello all,
It has been a while since I have written, I know. Don’t hate me. I have been choreographing for my high school’s show choir, and I thought if I had enough time to be writing on the blog; I should be choreographing.
In one of my old blogs (A B C Spells I Am Hot) I talked about Mr. C, a guy from Chicago. Since then we talked more and more and more to the point where if we are not talking on the phone we are in the middle of a texting conversation, which I find tedious and annoying. He has been very kind to me, giving me attention, and always saying that he was planning on coming to see me because I am the cutest guy.
He has had a few dates while we’ve been talking and I’ve not worried about us being something or nothing. I really can’t handle a relationship right now especially with someone who’s not going to sweep into my life and make the relationship happen; in short, I don’t want to work for a relationship right now. Yeah, I said it. I DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
Anyways, we were chatting yesterday and he said that he was wished he had a boyfriend, insinuating that that should be me. I said “Well, it’s not like you’re being held captive in your house. Go out and find one.” If he wants to make “us” happen, make it happen. Right? Right. Well, later on he mentioned that he was having a guy spend the weekend, who lives hours away, who he liked, but didn’t know if he should date because they’ve never pursued a relationship and he’s HIV+. (!!!!!)
Jigga whaaa?!?!? Read that last paragraph again and find how many crazy/questionable things pop out at you. I count about 127. I got a little pissy for 2 reasons:
1. Isn’t he interested in me? Calling me all day, every day? Sending me explicit pictures? Always talking about coming to see me? Now a guy who lives hours away and is HIV+ is a better catch than flexible me?
2. He texted me this during American Idol and then told me he didn’t like Adam Lambert. Blasphemy!
Later on in the evening his power went out and he texted me that he wished he had someone to cuddle with (Yuck, I know). I told him that he better call his “weekend friend” because as best I could recall cuddling is a non-fluid-transferable safe activity that he could enjoy with his new friend. Somewhere in his brain this comment was flagged as sarcastic and aggressive. He asked me what I wanted him to do or say. I said I’m not telling you how to act and if you wanted to us to be anything than we would and we’re not so you don’t.
He didn’t think that I wanted him to try to make a relationship happen (Are you tired of this yet?) and he wanted to respect my boundaries and chaotic life. There was more to it than that, but was way too pedantic to commit to memory. Abruptly, he said he was sorry for the confusion, he was going to bed, and goodnight.
There is nothing more infuriating than being nicely dumped by someone you weren’t even dating to begin with. Ug. I wasn’t even that interested in him, it was just nice to have someone to talk to- I love attention. I mean seriously, he wasn’t too cute, bought suits from Men’s Warehouse, and is in talks to buy a butcher shop from his grandpa. Yes that makes my stomach flip, but in the wrong way.
It has been a while since I have written, I know. Don’t hate me. I have been choreographing for my high school’s show choir, and I thought if I had enough time to be writing on the blog; I should be choreographing.
In one of my old blogs (A B C Spells I Am Hot) I talked about Mr. C, a guy from Chicago. Since then we talked more and more and more to the point where if we are not talking on the phone we are in the middle of a texting conversation, which I find tedious and annoying. He has been very kind to me, giving me attention, and always saying that he was planning on coming to see me because I am the cutest guy.
He has had a few dates while we’ve been talking and I’ve not worried about us being something or nothing. I really can’t handle a relationship right now especially with someone who’s not going to sweep into my life and make the relationship happen; in short, I don’t want to work for a relationship right now. Yeah, I said it. I DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
Anyways, we were chatting yesterday and he said that he was wished he had a boyfriend, insinuating that that should be me. I said “Well, it’s not like you’re being held captive in your house. Go out and find one.” If he wants to make “us” happen, make it happen. Right? Right. Well, later on he mentioned that he was having a guy spend the weekend, who lives hours away, who he liked, but didn’t know if he should date because they’ve never pursued a relationship and he’s HIV+. (!!!!!)
Jigga whaaa?!?!? Read that last paragraph again and find how many crazy/questionable things pop out at you. I count about 127. I got a little pissy for 2 reasons:
1. Isn’t he interested in me? Calling me all day, every day? Sending me explicit pictures? Always talking about coming to see me? Now a guy who lives hours away and is HIV+ is a better catch than flexible me?
2. He texted me this during American Idol and then told me he didn’t like Adam Lambert. Blasphemy!
Later on in the evening his power went out and he texted me that he wished he had someone to cuddle with (Yuck, I know). I told him that he better call his “weekend friend” because as best I could recall cuddling is a non-fluid-transferable safe activity that he could enjoy with his new friend. Somewhere in his brain this comment was flagged as sarcastic and aggressive. He asked me what I wanted him to do or say. I said I’m not telling you how to act and if you wanted to us to be anything than we would and we’re not so you don’t.
He didn’t think that I wanted him to try to make a relationship happen (Are you tired of this yet?) and he wanted to respect my boundaries and chaotic life. There was more to it than that, but was way too pedantic to commit to memory. Abruptly, he said he was sorry for the confusion, he was going to bed, and goodnight.
There is nothing more infuriating than being nicely dumped by someone you weren’t even dating to begin with. Ug. I wasn’t even that interested in him, it was just nice to have someone to talk to- I love attention. I mean seriously, he wasn’t too cute, bought suits from Men’s Warehouse, and is in talks to buy a butcher shop from his grandpa. Yes that makes my stomach flip, but in the wrong way.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Twiterpated
Hello all,
Sweet Jesus, it was a rough day at work! Other than a few highlights, the most exciting thing was wondering if I would stab my own thigh so that I could leave early. The day usually goes by without much hassle but every single person sucked the life right out of me.
Sometimes to make time pass I make awkward conversations with kids just to hear what they’ll say. It’s like a really cheap version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, which usually makes me think if dardest is a word……anyways.
Me: Hello.
Kid: Hello.
Me: How are you?
Kid: How are you?
Me: Good.
Kid: Good.
Me: Can you just repeat me?
Kid: Can you just repeat me?
Me: You’re like a parrot.
Kid: Ha ha! You’re a pirate!
Me: You’re ridiculous!
Kid: You’re dick-licious!!!
Omigod! How did that kid know my fallback porn name? It was probably just a coincidence…………. or was it?
During my breaks I usually play solitaire on my iPod while I listen to Broadway music, but today I decided to watch downhill skiing on TV and I overheard a conversation between two high school boys.
Boy A: Hi, how are you?
Boy B: Fine.
Boy A: Yeah, me too. Do you play sports?
Boy B: …….yeah.
Boy A: Yeah, I could tell. You have a really muscular body. Are you really popular?
Boy B: Um, I dunno.
Boy A: I bet you are. If you play spots and have all of those muscles, I bet you’re popular. You’re really good looking.
Honest to God!! It was like watching the exposition of an underage gay porno. I clearly went to the wrong high school. All the time I spent imagining something like this would happen to me 10 years ago and there it is in the break room at work. This kid had balls too, I mean he was retarded, like actually retarded, developmentally slow, his mom helps him with the carts, but the chutzpa this kid had, it was impressive. I don’t know whether he was gay or just idolized the other boy’s attributes and didn’t know how to be more nonchalant about it. If I could live my life again, I would definitely pretend to be slow and start conversations with the hottest boys in my high school to see if anything stuck or not.
Speaking of hot boys in high school. Today I saw my 2 biggest high school crushes. In the same day! I know!! I was a blabbering idiot again. I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together and they were as hot as they ever were……… well, one was balder and the other slightly thicker, but they still had the same effect on me. One was in my show choir and the other went to Florida with family when I was in high school.
I sat right next to the one in my show choir; he had/has hair like Uncle Jesse from Full House, ranked 4th in his class and is oh so dreamy. Once when I auditioned for a solo I stood up, sang, and was applauded for my strong vibrato by the director. Truth be told, before I got up to sing, the guy next to me patted my knee and wished me well right before I stood up. I was so flustered that my whole body was shaking resulting in a vibrato. Best day ever.
With the other guy in Florida, it was a fantasy come to life. Now, normally I hate the sun. I burn in January, I wear SPF 80+, and I am self conscience about having my shirt off, but all I know is that while I was around him at the pool I had no idea how hot it was, what I was wearing, or who noticed me drop-jawed staring at him. He had a chest twice the size of his waist, arms the size of my thighs, abs that were extraordinarily developed from protein shakes and early morning workouts and was dripping wet, I was in heaven until the next day when I was severely burnt from sitting out in the sun for hours watching him get in and out of the pool and sit next to me to work on his tan. After we came back from spring break and I saw him in the hall I would stare at him walking past me and see him in nothing but those blue swim trunks. I don’t think he ever noticed me at school until I kept on running into the wall as I walked past him.
I was going to plan being a more successful adult but now I have a new plan:
1. Acquire time machine.
2. Act retarded to seduce high school crushes.
3. Get someone who can invest money wisely so I’ll be rich in the future like they did in “Back to the Future Part II”
4. Sit back with whichever one of my high school doesn’t get too fat or bald and watch the money roll in.
Flawless.
Sweet Jesus, it was a rough day at work! Other than a few highlights, the most exciting thing was wondering if I would stab my own thigh so that I could leave early. The day usually goes by without much hassle but every single person sucked the life right out of me.
Sometimes to make time pass I make awkward conversations with kids just to hear what they’ll say. It’s like a really cheap version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, which usually makes me think if dardest is a word……anyways.
Me: Hello.
Kid: Hello.
Me: How are you?
Kid: How are you?
Me: Good.
Kid: Good.
Me: Can you just repeat me?
Kid: Can you just repeat me?
Me: You’re like a parrot.
Kid: Ha ha! You’re a pirate!
Me: You’re ridiculous!
Kid: You’re dick-licious!!!
Omigod! How did that kid know my fallback porn name? It was probably just a coincidence…………. or was it?
During my breaks I usually play solitaire on my iPod while I listen to Broadway music, but today I decided to watch downhill skiing on TV and I overheard a conversation between two high school boys.
Boy A: Hi, how are you?
Boy B: Fine.
Boy A: Yeah, me too. Do you play sports?
Boy B: …….yeah.
Boy A: Yeah, I could tell. You have a really muscular body. Are you really popular?
Boy B: Um, I dunno.
Boy A: I bet you are. If you play spots and have all of those muscles, I bet you’re popular. You’re really good looking.
Honest to God!! It was like watching the exposition of an underage gay porno. I clearly went to the wrong high school. All the time I spent imagining something like this would happen to me 10 years ago and there it is in the break room at work. This kid had balls too, I mean he was retarded, like actually retarded, developmentally slow, his mom helps him with the carts, but the chutzpa this kid had, it was impressive. I don’t know whether he was gay or just idolized the other boy’s attributes and didn’t know how to be more nonchalant about it. If I could live my life again, I would definitely pretend to be slow and start conversations with the hottest boys in my high school to see if anything stuck or not.
Speaking of hot boys in high school. Today I saw my 2 biggest high school crushes. In the same day! I know!! I was a blabbering idiot again. I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together and they were as hot as they ever were……… well, one was balder and the other slightly thicker, but they still had the same effect on me. One was in my show choir and the other went to Florida with family when I was in high school.
I sat right next to the one in my show choir; he had/has hair like Uncle Jesse from Full House, ranked 4th in his class and is oh so dreamy. Once when I auditioned for a solo I stood up, sang, and was applauded for my strong vibrato by the director. Truth be told, before I got up to sing, the guy next to me patted my knee and wished me well right before I stood up. I was so flustered that my whole body was shaking resulting in a vibrato. Best day ever.
With the other guy in Florida, it was a fantasy come to life. Now, normally I hate the sun. I burn in January, I wear SPF 80+, and I am self conscience about having my shirt off, but all I know is that while I was around him at the pool I had no idea how hot it was, what I was wearing, or who noticed me drop-jawed staring at him. He had a chest twice the size of his waist, arms the size of my thighs, abs that were extraordinarily developed from protein shakes and early morning workouts and was dripping wet, I was in heaven until the next day when I was severely burnt from sitting out in the sun for hours watching him get in and out of the pool and sit next to me to work on his tan. After we came back from spring break and I saw him in the hall I would stare at him walking past me and see him in nothing but those blue swim trunks. I don’t think he ever noticed me at school until I kept on running into the wall as I walked past him.
I was going to plan being a more successful adult but now I have a new plan:
1. Acquire time machine.
2. Act retarded to seduce high school crushes.
3. Get someone who can invest money wisely so I’ll be rich in the future like they did in “Back to the Future Part II”
4. Sit back with whichever one of my high school doesn’t get too fat or bald and watch the money roll in.
Flawless.
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