Twiterpated

Hello all,

Sweet Jesus, it was a rough day at work! Other than a few highlights, the most exciting thing was wondering if I would stab my own thigh so that I could leave early. The day usually goes by without much hassle but every single person sucked the life right out of me.

Sometimes to make time pass I make awkward conversations with kids just to hear what they’ll say. It’s like a really cheap version of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, which usually makes me think if dardest is a word……anyways.

Me: Hello.

Kid: Hello.

Me: How are you?

Kid: How are you?

Me: Good.

Kid: Good.

Me: Can you just repeat me?

Kid: Can you just repeat me?

Me: You’re like a parrot.

Kid: Ha ha! You’re a pirate!

Me: You’re ridiculous!

Kid: You’re dick-licious!!!

Omigod! How did that kid know my fallback porn name? It was probably just a coincidence…………. or was it?

During my breaks I usually play solitaire on my iPod while I listen to Broadway music, but today I decided to watch downhill skiing on TV and I overheard a conversation between two high school boys.

Boy A: Hi, how are you?

Boy B: Fine.

Boy A: Yeah, me too. Do you play sports?

Boy B: …….yeah.

Boy A: Yeah, I could tell. You have a really muscular body. Are you really popular?

Boy B: Um, I dunno.

Boy A: I bet you are. If you play spots and have all of those muscles, I bet you’re popular. You’re really good looking.

Honest to God!! It was like watching the exposition of an underage gay porno. I clearly went to the wrong high school. All the time I spent imagining something like this would happen to me 10 years ago and there it is in the break room at work. This kid had balls too, I mean he was retarded, like actually retarded, developmentally slow, his mom helps him with the carts, but the chutzpa this kid had, it was impressive. I don’t know whether he was gay or just idolized the other boy’s attributes and didn’t know how to be more nonchalant about it. If I could live my life again, I would definitely pretend to be slow and start conversations with the hottest boys in my high school to see if anything stuck or not.

Speaking of hot boys in high school. Today I saw my 2 biggest high school crushes. In the same day! I know!! I was a blabbering idiot again. I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together and they were as hot as they ever were……… well, one was balder and the other slightly thicker, but they still had the same effect on me. One was in my show choir and the other went to Florida with family when I was in high school.

I sat right next to the one in my show choir; he had/has hair like Uncle Jesse from Full House, ranked 4th in his class and is oh so dreamy. Once when I auditioned for a solo I stood up, sang, and was applauded for my strong vibrato by the director. Truth be told, before I got up to sing, the guy next to me patted my knee and wished me well right before I stood up. I was so flustered that my whole body was shaking resulting in a vibrato. Best day ever.

With the other guy in Florida, it was a fantasy come to life. Now, normally I hate the sun. I burn in January, I wear SPF 80+, and I am self conscience about having my shirt off, but all I know is that while I was around him at the pool I had no idea how hot it was, what I was wearing, or who noticed me drop-jawed staring at him. He had a chest twice the size of his waist, arms the size of my thighs, abs that were extraordinarily developed from protein shakes and early morning workouts and was dripping wet, I was in heaven until the next day when I was severely burnt from sitting out in the sun for hours watching him get in and out of the pool and sit next to me to work on his tan. After we came back from spring break and I saw him in the hall I would stare at him walking past me and see him in nothing but those blue swim trunks. I don’t think he ever noticed me at school until I kept on running into the wall as I walked past him.

I was going to plan being a more successful adult but now I have a new plan:

1. Acquire time machine.

2. Act retarded to seduce high school crushes.

3. Get someone who can invest money wisely so I’ll be rich in the future like they did in “Back to the Future Part II”

4. Sit back with whichever one of my high school doesn’t get too fat or bald and watch the money roll in.

Flawless.