I've Been Craigslisted Vol. II

Hello all,

The week after my proposed threesome from a couple on craigslist, I was still on a high. I got a haircut, it was spring, and I was starring at every stranger like he could potentially be my next husband. AWKWARD. I need someone in my head to tell me, “Noah, stop starring at that person, he’s not even gay, he’s married, you didn’t even do your hair today, you look like a stalker”. That would be helpful.

Anywho, an older gay gentleman came through my lane that day with a handful of DVDs including “Weeds Season 3”. We chatted about that and the previous seasons as well as the great DVD sales in the store and he went on his merry way leaving me only with a wiggly smile. He came back a few days later and came back through my lane. He said that he already had that season, bought only some almonds and some socks, both things near my check out lane, and again went on his merry way.

2 minutes later I was hanging out near the end of my lane, pretending to do something, and the older gentlemen (O.G.) came back.

O.G.: “Uh, hi, again.”

Me: “Oh, hi.

O.G.: “Um, did you know that there is a craigslist ad about you?”

Me: “Yeah, I saw it the other day. I was very flattered.”

O.G.: “Yeah, I saw it too and knew it was you. Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No, no I don’t. Things are kind of complicated for me right now, so I’m just enjoying being by myself. Well, have a good day.”

He smiled at me, raised his eyebrow, winked and walked away. I don’t care if I was getting hit on by shady couples and old guys, I felt HOT! On Easter Sunday, as many gays did for entertainment, I got on craigslist and found a little Easter egg of my own.

Fishers Target: Weeds Fans Unite! - m4m

you said Your life is busy right nOw but woUld you have the time (or desiRe) to catch a sEason of weeds? would love to have you over to view it together, nothing Complicated jUst nsa weeds....if not weeds how abouT the united statEs of tara? if you email back tell me what i came back into the store to tell you....just so i know its you....

I was shocked.....I'm FAMOUS! For freak's sake, you can't even get people to stop recognizing me. I'm like fuckin' Lindsay Lohan. After the stars faded from my eyes I noticed that there was some irregular capitalization in his message:

YOU RE CUTE.

I love a good game, but was the game cute or the guy? Upon further investigation I realized it was the game. We emailed back and forth,and he left me many interesting and supportive messages in all caps, I just wanted to see where it would go. Because if he was rich and cute, this could definitely be my future husband, age aside. But seeing as how he was an older gentleman who trolled craigslist, leaving spooky cryptic messages in capital letters, the dream wore thin pretty quickly.

On a completely different note, I think I just ingested a large quantity of dish soap, like a table spoon or so. I opened my mouth and REAL bubbles came out. My entire dinner tasted like soap, but it was so good I kept eating it. There may be a direct line between compromising my dignity, responding to these craigslist ads, and continuing to eat a Dawn-drenched bowl of homemade lo mien, but I don't think I'm aware enough to put it together. I'll leave that mystery in the hands of my therapist I will have caudal me after I make it big.