I've Been Craigslisted Vol. IV

Hello All,

I swear to God I don’t ask for this, but I’ve been craigslisted again! In my defense I just bought new clothes for work, so I was bound to be accosted because of my superstore hotness.

He came through my lane about 2 hours before my shift was over, I could tell he was interested because of the unyielding eye contact. He was a bit more stout than the usual guy I’d notice but he had a nice wallet, on which I commented, and as I bid him a good day he made sure to grab both of my hands and linger as I handed him his bag of malted milk balls, seriously. I think somewhere there’s a code of retail non-verbal advances, the lingering hand grab as you hand them their purchase is one of the basics. On one hand it’s nice to get a little human contact; on the other it’s a little creepy.

Well, when I came home and hopped on Craigslist for my daily dose of local desperation I saw someone desperate for me:

You were a cutie working a register. You commented on my wallet. I was trying not to say anything to bold. I think it would be nice to chat with you. Maybe ask you out on a date. If your reading this hit me up and let me know your name. I made it a point to remember it. This all happened around 4pm on Monday (Memorial Day) I look forward to hear from you.

Since I couldn’t remember what he looked like exactly, I didn’t see his lower half, and he mentioned the word “date” and not "NSA B.J." or “Handy-J” I decided to see what would happen(Handy-J is one of my favorite words on the whole planet-it always makes me smile) . I responded to the message, and through a complex series of email tag, I planned for us to take my dog for a walk around the municipal center blocks away from work. Worst case scenario, we could talk about how freakin’ cute my dog is and “Oh my Gosh! It’s getting so late! I need to go home and get my dog some water!”

As I pulled up, I saw him in a burgundy pick-up truck and thought, “Huh, truck. Well, he’s either a rugged outdoors man or a little white-trashy.” The latter was true. At work I saw him in his work out clothes so I didn’t necessarily judge him on what he was wearing, but as I stepped out of my car I got the full effect of the ribbed Tommy Hilfiger V-neck T-shirt, jean shorts (don’t get me started), and tennis shoes with black cropped socks, he was also a good deal heavier and older than what I had envisioned. “Are you fuckin’ kidin’ me,” I said under my breath. No, this was real.

We walked and talked for a few hours. He was very nice and polite and I reciprocated the pleasantries. We talked about jobs, school (or lack of, in his case), hobbies and past relationships. He was very talkative and I like talking about me, so we got along just fine. I found out that he’s a flight attendant who stopped playing the trumpet his senior year of high school, went to college for 2 years, and commonly did background checks on his personal friends because of his trust issues. Where the hell do I find these people? Oh, that’s right, Craigslist and a superstore……I actually should have expected this.

As the evening shade disappeared, he invited me and Graham to come back to his house he shared with a female flight attendant to play cards. He gave me and Graham bottled water, “No really, tap water if fine,” I said. He said that it was not fine and he would never offer a guest tap water.

We played a hand of Phase 10 and Skip-Bo. I informed him that these were not real “cards”, I think he thought that this made me sound a little more hard core than what I really am, but oh well. He made sure that I texted him that I got home safely, which was nice but a little much for a person I met a few hours prior, but I obliged.

He emailed me the day after to say that he had a nice time and it was then that I informed him that I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship but I also had a nice time. He told me that even though I am a “cute guy” he wasn’t interested in me either. WTF?!?!!? I’m a catch! He should be knocking down my door for a piece of this action! Scoff!

I think I could sooner find a way to transfigure Graham into a dateable hottie than get hit on by Mr. Right. Just think about it, Graham and I already sleep together every night, he has very muscular thighs from jumping up stairs, and he is never going to lose that thick black hair. There’s chemistry there, real chemistry.